I
am nearer to the end than the beginning and though death is very rarely
in my head living in a senior residence it is always happening and I am
reminded that it might (sorry John not a definite will!) happen to me. I
know death means many things to many different people but what does it
mean to me?

My
parents. My beloved Aunt Flo and a couple of years later, her husband,
my uncle, Ritchie. Ice skater Mike and optimistic Michael Mc. Dr. K. and
Bob B., my confidantes. Perry Lee., my longest friend. Ronnie, fellow
waiter, and cruiser, in ‘the good old days’. And the list goes on
possibly containing ‘missing’ people whom I haven’t heard from in years,
or just disappeared, liked Pepe and Mark. Sometimes I picture Flo, the
first person to ever love me unconditionally, as an angel looking  over
my shoulder sometimes her head going up and down and other times side to
side but always there for me and other times I think how silly that is.

I
suppose as a teenager, and a young man in my twenties, I might have
thought, now and then, that I would be dead by the time I was thirty but
I never really gave any thought to dying. One of my first thoughts
regarding my mortality was when Flo died and I started thinking, a
little, about my possible future death. Though I had friends dying of
AIDS I didn’t see it as affecting me as I wasn’t at a high risk. It was
when I had congestive heart failure. As soon as I got of the hospital I
went on a diet watching my intake of sodium, calories, fats, protein,
carbohydrates, cholesterol and fiber losing 60 pounds. I cut back, but
didn’t quit, smoking from three packs a day to 15 cigarettes a day. I
realized that if I didn’t start watching myself I could die.

After
Flo died I vowed, and told everyone, that I would never go to a funeral
again, (and I haven’t), but now I started to plan my own elaborate one
with a big party included. I made out a crazy Will working on it for
days!

I
started to think about what happens when you die. Reincarnation was the
first thought that came into my mind as it sort of intrigued me. What
would I come back as? Did reincarnation really mean you come back to
finish things you didn’t in your previous lives? What didn’t I finish?
Would I come back as a male or female? Or maybe an animal? What did the
latter have to do with unfinished business? I don’t ever remember
thinking, or feeling, that I had been another person in a previous life
and I certainly didn’t see myself living in another century, or
recalling any memories of other times, when reading the numerous books
over the years.

Then
there is the possibility of Heaven and Hell. I pictured Heaven as a
place where I could eat, drink and smoke everything and anything without
any consequences. All, and only, my great sex partners, (and those I
missed) would be there at my beck and call. I’d see places I have always
wanted to see, but didn’t. I would be able to watch a full production
of A Chorus Line twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I would
have everything I ever wanted and didn’t have.

There
would be all the salami, peanuts, carrot cake and scotch that I could
ever want. (Do you eat and drink in Heaven?) And I would have all the
money possible. (Do you need money in Heaven? Or do you just get what
you want when you want it?)

The best part of Heaven will be that I would be loved for whom, and what, I was without any expectations.

Should
there be a Heaven then, I guess, I have to entertain the possibility of
Hell. I don’t t want to go there! I wouldn’t have any of the things I
expected in Heaven. In addition I would be getting only tofu to eat and
gang raped every day. I would be surrounded by people I have hurt,
betrayed, dismissed, rejected and let down. NO! If I have to accept
there is a Heaven then I have to accept there is a Hell.

What’s
the bottom line for me? I believe you die and that’s it. You lose your
flesh, and bones, to the air, earth and water around you. I’ve
stipulated that I want to be cremated and my remains scattered over the
sand and water on 6th Street and Ocean Drive in Miami Beach.

Oh,
yes, I still want that big party though how it would be paid for I don’t
have a clue. Guess my ‘heirs’ will have to figure that out along with
all the debts and accumulative ‘things’ in my estate.