1. A man comes
into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed
my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off
her underwear. Suddenly,I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in
the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX




2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.


Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA




3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a
'massive myocardial infarct'.

Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal
fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan
Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch,
the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out
of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what
I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk ,
VA.



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion,
she
answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR




6. I was caring for a woman and asked,
'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seemto get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY
Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI




7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency
room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was
quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery
was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which
said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'


Submitted by RN, no
name



AND FINALLY!!!...



8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I
was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly
said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, No doctor, but the song you
were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'


Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)