(DAN SAVAGE IS A BEST SELLING AUTHOR, AWARD
WINNING SEX COLUMNIST AND, WITH HIS PARTNER, A PARENT. HE IS KNOWN FOR
TELLING IT AS IT IS WITHOUT MINCING WORDS--DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF
YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO LEARN AND/OR CAN'T TAKE HARD, ROUGH TRUTHFUL
LANGUAGE.)

by Dan Savage

And speaking of anal...

Nancy Elliott, a state representative in New
Hampshire, wants to ban same-sex marriage in that state—where it's been
legal for less than three months—and here's her reasoning: "We're
talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum
of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to
think... would I allow that to be done to ME?"

Where to begin? How about here...

If you're wiggling your penis around in
excrement when you're having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you're
doing it wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to
people who've never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break it
down for you, Representative Elliott: You don't have anal sex with an
ass full of shit for the same reason you don't have oral sex with a
mouth full of food. It's messy and no one wants a mess. (Except for the
people who do want a mess, of course, but they're a blessed
rarity.) An empty, douched, and lubed anal cavity is just as delightful
as an empty, flossed, and brushed oral cavity.

I will concede that excrement is for anal
what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire State Legislature: a
PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure
there's some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when
you're empty—no anal during your butt menses!—and you'll never get
excrement on a wigglin' dick.

And now a question for you, Representative
Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers
to get married?

"According to a 2005 survey conducted by the
U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention," Baconcat wrote on
Slog, The Stranger's blog, in reaction to Elliott's remarks,
"40 percent of men and 35 percent of women between 25 and 44 had engaged
in heterosexual anal sex. Some studies put the incidence of anal sex in
the heterosexual population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56
percent. Averaging those numbers, let's say 38.8 percent of
heterosexuals engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are
straight. There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in
the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in
heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult population is gay, or
7,600,000 people. Roughly half—3,800,000—are gay males. Polls indicate
that between 55 and 80 percent of gay males participate in anal sex.
Taking the average—67.5 percent—that means the number of gay men having
anal sex comes to 2,565,000."

Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see
if you can't wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more—a
whole lot more—than 2,565,000. If you really want to protect the sacred
sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in
rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage
first.