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Monday's Late-Night Wrap-Up of Election Jokes
Filed at 8:17 a.m. ET
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- 'Twas the night before the presidential election and all
through the house was the sound of late-night TV hosts getting in their
last-minute digs.
Here's a selection of jokes from Monday:
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''Today Barack
Obama campaigned in Florida and Virginia. And McCain campaigned in two
states: panic and desperation.'' -- David
Letterman, CBS' ''Late Show.''
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''Actually, there is a good chance that we could go to bed tomorrow night and
not know who's running the country. Just like it's been for the last eight
years.'' -- Jay
Leno, NBC's ''Tonight Show.''
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''Right now it's a toss up between Barack and Obama.'' -- Jimmy
Kimmel on ABC's ''Jimmy Kimmel Live!''
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''This is my first election, not sure what supposed do on Election Eve. Are
there traditions? So you hang your `chads' over the fireplace? Leave stuff out
for your favorite candidate? Maybe a sandwich for Obama. That is a thin man ....
McCain, leave him some food, nice warm mug of creamed corn ... Tasty. And you
don't need to chew.'' -- Craig
Ferguson, CBS' ''Late Late Show.''
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''Who are the real winners in this election? Don't ask me. Ask Joe the
Plumber's agent.'' -- Stephen
Colbert, Comedy Central's ''The Colbert Report.''
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''Congratulations to everybody who ran the New
York City Marathon yesterday. Good to have you here. And a special
congratulations to this year's winner, Joe the Runner.'' -- Letterman.
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''The Republican
Party has asked President Bush to stay out of sight until after the
election. Apparently Bush has agreed to this strategy and is appearing weekly on
the NBC series, `Kath and Kim.''' -- Conan
O'Brien on NBC's ''Late Night.''
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''I don't want to say that the Obamas are overly confident, but they've
already agreed to let Oprah use their house in Chicago as a place to keep her dogs.'' -- Kimmel.
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''According to recent news reports, Bill
Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving
advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle
Obama.'' -- Leno.
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''My guest, Andrew
Sullivan, says conservatives should support Obama. Well, McCain's campaign
managers certainly have done their part.'' -- Colbert.
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''Did you get any of those annoying robo calls? You know, those phone call
recorded messages from the candidates. I got them all weekend. I even got one
from Ralph
Nader's campaign. Turns out it wasn't recorded. It was Ralph calling
personally from a pay phone.'' -- Leno.
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''Sarah
Palin is going to celebrate the end of the campaign. She charged one last
$1500 blouse to the campaign. So, got that out of the way.'' -- Letterman.
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''This weekend at a John
McCain rally, Arnold
Schwarzenegger said that Barack Obama needs to exercise more because his
legs are too skinny. Then he said: `Now behold, the awesome physical specimen
that is John McCain!''' -- O'Brien.
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