Gay Men/Straight Women

John R. Ballew,
M.S., L.P.C.

Is there a natural attraction between gay men and straight
women?  A lot of people think so.  Look at popular images: “Will and Grace” on
television or Roseanne’s rather unflattering comment a few years back that
“without gay men, who would dance with all the fat women?”  The reality goes way
beyond that; many gay guys count straight women among their confidants and best
friends and vice versa.  So what’s this all about? 

From the perspective of gay men, women offer intimate
friendship that is generally free from the complications of sexual interest. 
Other gay men are potential boyfriends, and that can complicate potential
friendship.  Straight guys can give mixed signals and turn into objects of
unrequited love.  Friendships with women can be simpler and free from that
tension – at least from the men’s side of the equation. 

And while gay men and straight women may not be romantically
made for each other, they share a common romantic interest:  men. 
Whether it’s recounting the foibles of dating or sharing erotic advice, there’s
a common interest. 

For straight women, gay men offer male friendship that’s free
from game playing.  Women can relax and be themselves with gay men in a way
that’s usually not possible with hetero men.  That’s especially true for women
who may have strong, confident personalities, or who may not fit the
conventional paradigm of female beauty.  Characteristics that intimidate some
straight men may be highly appealing for gay men. 

Friendships between gay men and straight women can be
wonderful – as long as all parties involved are clear about the situation and
not using friendship as a way of avoiding the risks of deeper intimacy.  Gay men
whose friends are predominantly women (or straight men, for that matter) may be
avoiding situations where they are likely to be end up in a primary
relationship.  Gay men who socialize with women as a way of passing for
heterosexual are using women to remain in the closet.  Warning, closet cases: 
this generates really, really bad karma! 

What about women who form romantic attachments to gay men? 
If the men in question are known to be gay, then any romance exists only in
fantasyland.  Gay men may look appealing as friends, but a gay guy is never
going to be genuinely available for a committed relationship with someone other
than a man. 

Some women find that they’ve dated – or even married – men
who turned out to be closeted gay men.  That can surprise women who believe
popular stereotypes and expect gay men to be easy to spot.  These women may be
attracted to the lack of pressure they experience from someone who’s not that
interested in heterosexual sex; while some gay men may have sex with women if
they are sufficiently motivated, most aren’t very interested in it.  In fact,
gay men may look like “perfect gentlemen,” more interested in a woman’s mind
than her body, and that can be both appealing and confusing to women seeking
male companionship.  That’s especially true because society’s heterosexism
causes people to naively assume that everyone we meet is straight until proven
otherwise.  It may not even occur to some women that their perfect gentleman is
gay as a goose.  And in both friendships and dating relationships, clear
communication is important to keep expectations clear and to avoid making
assumptions.