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Bill, Allen, Chuck, Vinnie, Bernie are just a few of the fathers I have
known/know who have gone through divorces and have come out to their children,
which could be a double whammy for a child to go through and as far as I know
they are close, are involved with each other lives and the children respect, and
in many cases love, their father's partners when/if they have one. Just as they
do with others, including their spouses if they are any, fathers can't just jump
in and say, "I am gay and you have to accept it whether you like it or not." The
children need time to hear it, to ask questions, not get overwhelmed and it
doesn't make a difference if they are 15 or 40.
Yes we know there are more gays visible and the subject is talked about
everywhere but it is something different, like anything else, when it concerns
them specifically. Let them ask questions if they want to or if they just shrug
with a "So?" attitude accept that but be ready for in the future when they might
bring up the subject again. I do know, just like coming out to anyone, they
might or might not accept it but never, ever talk about it again.
Below are some web sites, and short quotes from each, that go more into the
subject looking at the positive and negative aspects from all angles including
ex-spouses who may or may not be supportive.
Coming out is not easy and in many cases can be harder for a father to tell
his child than anyone else.
There now are also gay fathers who adopt children, or have them through a
surrogate, and not only have to come out to their child but explain the
circumstances of their birth---and straight people don't see how much they must
love their children to go through all that.
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Depth interviews were conducted with a snowball sample of 40 gay fathers and
14 of their children. Questions addressed the nature and quality of the
fathering as experienced by both the men and their offspring. Four issues often
raised in gay parent custody cases are examined. Data indicate that notions
about gay fathers' compensatory behavior, molestation of children, negative
influence on child development, and instigation of harassment are largely
unfounded. The father's "coming out" to his children tends to relieve family
tension and strengthen the father-child bond.
https://www.gayfathersboston.org/articles/amity.shtml
Coming out requires time, patience, and love. Most children take the news in
their stride, if allowed to come to terms with it on their own terms. Being a
good parent doesn't stop with coming out. In some cases, the communication
initiated by the coming out improves the parent-child bond. Throughout the
process, their love for their father remains very much alive, even if not shown.
Coming out to them gently and honestly gains their respect.
https://www.gayfathersboston.org/articles/emily.shtml
Researchers estimate that up to 14 million children live with at least one
gay parent. Census figures show that there are more than a half-million same-sex
households in the United States.
https://www.gayfathersboston.org/articles/scott.shtml
In addition to the usual challenges of parenthood, gay fathers have to choose
whether — and when — to come out to their children. Many fathers never end up
doing so; some do so indirectly when their children are being raised in a
same-sex household; some children may find out by accident; others — like
Nenopoulos — choose to come out to their children when they are old enough to
understand and to talk about it.
Issues raised in gay parent custody cases are examined.
Data indicate that notions about gay fathers' compensatory behavior, molestation
of children, negative influence on child development, and instigation of
harassment are largely unfounded. The father's "coming out" to his children
tends to relieve family tension and strengthen the father-child bond.
(Author)
