The
Christmas Party Memo
Political
Correctness comes through

FROM:
Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4
November 2007
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to
inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd,
starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be
a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange
of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be
over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocketbook.
This
gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement at the
party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human
Resources20Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2007
RE:
Holiday Party

In no way was
yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although
unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will
have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to
you and your family,
Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I
received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table,
you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a
sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that
$10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO
GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Re sources
Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we
are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold
off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything
up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay
men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for
the gay men's table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no
cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot
supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2007
RE: The ******
Holiday Party

Vegetarian
jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill
House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f******
salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too,
they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and
die.
Pauline, the Bitch from HELL!


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FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human
Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9 November 2007
RE:
Pauline and the Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us
in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your
cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday
party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with
full pay.
Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John