I have been thinking about my husband so much. I hate it! I wish it would go away so I could heal and not put myself through humiliation anymore. I had to call my husband regarding the kids and I lost it. I was crying and stupid me said..."I just want you to come home." I of course was hoping he would say ok and do just that. I should have known that wouldn't happen. I was hoping my Mom was right. I had asked him a few times before if he wanted to reconcile and she made comment that I wasn't speaking from my heart. She was right. That does sound like a business deal. So, putting my heart on the line, I shared with him my heart. I told him I missed him, that I loved him and that I was sorry I didn't realize it sooner and that I now know that life is not a soap opera. His response to me...something along the lines of if he came back it would be for the wrong reasons and why would we want to be "miserable the rest of our lives." So with that being said, I officially know there is no way in hell he is coming home. I honestly have been hoping for that miracle, despite the fact that divorce proceedings are advancing. I kept hoping one response after the other would trigger something in him to remind him of what we had before. Something that would make him realize he does love me and wants to make things better. I have been very sentimental about the life we used to share. The funny thing is.... I miss him more when the kids are home. I'm not sure what that means but it was an interesting discovery. Thanks MOM! My observant Mom is the one to point that one out. I do miss my "family." It doesn't help that I have been looking at family photos and remembering the hopes and dreams of the beginning of our marriage. The dreams are still there, the hope just died along the way. I will be glad when the pain goes away. I am sick of thinking about it and really want to move on but my heart and mind are not cooperating. I am trying very hard to do this grieving thing the right way. I have a tendency to rush the process and then it bites me later. The process of burying my head and denying everything doesn't solve anything but cause more problems later. It is so hard to logically know something when your emotional instincts are trying so hard to take over. I really wish I could apply the concept of "The power of Now."