The age old saying "what is good for the goose is not good for the gander" is so true. I had another emotional encounter with my soon to be ex on Friday after work. He came to bring my daughter a new softball glove and give me money for her prescriptions. He told me he wasn't a mind reader and I needed to tell him about the prescription expenses. I know he is right and I know he would pay them. I guess I am just trying to prove I can do it on my own and don't need his help. I am fooling myself. I do need it and just wish I didn't. Somehow the conversation of him asking for a divorce came up again with the same dialogue... I gave him no choice. I was telling him I didn't want him. blah blah blah. You know what? In that moment I realized I am a goose or a gander and I didn't like it. He did have a choice and he made it. He can now live with his decision. It is not my fault he chose to leave the marriage because of the affair. I now know a few people that chose to stay and work on it. D'man's wife is one of them and if she can do it, not once, but twice, my husband could have made that choice and he didn't. I'm done taking the blame for all of it. I understand my part.. I wasn't able to receive his love because I was elsewhere. I was confused, I was lost, and I was feeling so guilty. It's not because I didn't want to. He said he tried! He did, but how many years did I try to reach him with no response? How many times did I tell him my needs and have them pushed away because I was "over reacting," "PMS" or "we're fine?" Apparently at least 3 times over 10 years so I'M DONE!!!! The hypocrisy is ridiculous. I did screw up but so did he. I am sorry I wasn't in a better place sooner because I do think we could have made it. Unfortunately my soon to be ex thinks it's more important to sit on his pedestal and pass judgement, cast stones and feel superior to me rather than trying to make our marriage work. Well, screw it. I'm done feeling like shit. I'm tired of being the one that is to blame for everything. I can talk big for the moment because I am still so hurt and angry. I hope it remains, I really do. I am a good person and I made a huge mistake. I'm sorry my soon to be ex can't forgive me and try again. I would love a clean slate. I would love to agree to erase the mistakes of our past, tuck them in our minds and never speak of them again. Forget that we didn't respect each other, forget that we were mean and hurtful to each other, forget that we didn't make enough time for nurturing of our marriage. I would love to erase it all and start over. That is Tanya's world though. The reality is... he will never fully realize that he is and does have a part in our failed marriage. He will need to blame me so he can be the bigger and better person. So be it... I am not to proud to know I screwed up and I'm not too proud to ask not, once, twice or three times for a second chance, but 4 or 5. I am someone that fought for what I wanted, which is my marriage back, the idea of the 4 of us together at the holidays, the idea that people can learn from their mistakes and make a healthier happier life. I have done what I could and I can't do anymore. The world is full of hypocrisy and I married it! I only wish I could have just a small percentage of that self entitlement, ego and to be oh so perfect.Wow... would my life be good