Here I am again fooling myself. I say I don't have feelings for this person or that. (D'man and my husband) I say I am strong and doing ok. I honestly have no clue where I am in this process of life. I am confused... scared... hopeful... proud... stong...weak...happy...sad... and the list goes on. I want so desperately to be loved but don't love myself. I'm a walking contradiction. I want the attention of men more than I want to respect myself. I would rather be with someone for companionship and warmth and comfort even though I know it isn't going anywhere. What does that say about me? Does it say anything or is it just what it is... a sad and lonely person that is willing to settle for less than I want. I have spent months defining what I want: compromise, friendship, laughter, adoration, respect, companionship, honesty. Many other things too I'm sure. Some things that I lacked in my marriage, some that I had and miss. Yet here I am... settling... I am wanting to be with someone (anyone) just so I'm not alone, I allow people to speak to me disrespectfully or like a piece of meat and it is fine with me. What is wrong with me? I will adjust my likes and dislikes just to be liked by someone like a sponge. How can I be so desperate for affection and what went wrong and how do I fix it? My husband really started out with all of the above things I mentioned. I do hope to find it again. I obviously have a lot of work to do before anyone can come into my life. I just wish the desire to be with someone would go away. It would make standing on my own so much easier. The physical desires for touch and companionship is so powerful. I need strength... oh no wait... I need companionship... oh no wait... I can do this on my own... I have so many conflicting sides to me I don't know where to begin or which is more important to me. Always wanting what I can't have... That is me!