For any of you that don't know, I subscribe to dailyom.com. Each morning I awaken to some wonderful optimistic reminder of some worthwhile thing. Some are more poignant than others but one of the recent posts really made me think. The gist of the article was that when we are bothered by something someone said, whether it be a friend or stranger, it is likely to be a pain for us from the past. I began thinking about the times that I am bothered or hurt by something someone says and realized it all stems from my childhood. Fortunately there are only really 3 triggers for me so in the scheme of things, but they are my 3 biggest struggles. Weight, messiness, and being stupid.

My weight issues have been around since about 4th grade. I was always on the round or pudgy side. Always larger than all of my friends and picked on in school because of it. Kids would refer to or tease me about being fat and this continued through college where I would hear..."you would be so pretty if you weren't fat." OUCH! It did hurt so badly. I also heard it at home from my Dad. "Do you really think you should be eating that?" The pain hasn't gone away, I still struggle with self esteem issues and the tapes that ran through my head as a child and while growing up are still there. It is difficult to break and I still wish there wasn't such an emphasis on weight. I guess I was born in the wrong era... at one point, larger women were desirable. Maybe again someday.. until then.. I'm the "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight" girl. As an adult, I am very careful as to the words I use around children, I focus on the personality of people.. not their size and I am a shoulder to cry on for the kid that gets picked on. I so feel their pain!

Trigger 2 is my messiness. I know that seems silly but I think it has played such an important role in the struggles of my marriage. I really hate being messy. I have an idea of what qualities a successful person should have, and being messy is not one of them. I want so badly to just have it come to me so easily and it doesn't. I feel like a failure and then when someone (soon to be ex hubby) points it out to me, I feel like it is a personal attack. I really just don't see the piece of paper I walk over 20 times, or the pile of clothes on the couch or the 5 or 6 pairs of shoes that I trip over 20 times. My brain just isn't wired that way. So... when a snide comment is made about the house.. OUCH.. it stings! I'm learning not to care so much what others think.. but I think on some level the comments were made knowing that it hurt me. I may be wrong but it did hit below the belt. I will continue to work on not letting what others say bother me. It is hard but "I am in control of my emotions".. a new mantra of mine.

Ready for trigger 3... I feel stupid and I don't like being called stupid. Again.. back to childhood with good ole Dad again! Don't be stupid.. Well that is stupid. Well if you weren't so stupid. And even still today.. if you would have learned your math, you could have had a better job... or something along those lines. Yes! I struggle with math, and yes I have lost the opportunity for 2 jobs because I wasn't able to pass the math portion of the tests and yes! I flunked out of college. I hate that I don't get it and feel stupid enough. Having people rub it in to me that I don't get it, makes me feel even more stupid! I think I realized it bothered me a lot when I was in college. My roommate Maria and I had been best friends for years and I don't even remember the circumstances but Maria said "you are so stupid Tanya." I fricken lost it. I grabbed her shirt and slammed her against the wall of the duplex and told her not to ever call me stupid again. I scared her and I scared myself even more. I am a very meek and mild person. I'm the one that stood there and wet my pants when my boss hit me. I don't get violent. So... when I realized I did that, I knew it was a huge sensitive spot for me. It's funny though.. I can think to myself that what I did was a little blond or in some cases, just plain stupid but I don't like it at all when someone else implies it or in Maria's case, says it!



What are your buttons and what buttons do you push on others? Inquirng minds want to know.. Mine. I need more ammunition!