I've been feeling down in the dumps lately. I would say a few weeks, but truth be told, it has gone on for months. It is just during the last few weeks that I seemed to have lost my ability to mask it/ cope with it- whatever it is.

I have not painted in weeks. I last painted in June and I am not crazy about either painting that I did that month. It is so unlike me to not paint at all. Art was always a great source of solace for me but I am unable to connect with that sense of comfort now. I have been struggling like this since Tod died- not that I was in great shape before he took his own life!

What has not helped is the addition of conflicts in relationships with family and friends. My oldest friend (longest friendship- not age) chose to write to tell me that I act as if Tod were the only thing that mattered; that I treated both of my sons badly and that I don't care about my grandson at all- at least not as much as she does, and I should be ashamed of myself. After I went to NYC, my niece launched an attack against me that was both hurtful and insulting, all because I am a Catholic; a "so-called Christian" by her definition. My response has been to curl up tighter and isolate myself further. I don't respond well to personal attacks.

I do receive positive feed back from members of the Auxiliary. They appreciate the publications that I create, but I have somehow found a way to minimize their appreciation. The vast majority of them do not know me personally. Their appreciation is of my work-skills, not me, my personality or other personal traits.

I don't mean to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. I don't really think what I am feeling is self-pity. It is, more accurately, inner pain and self-doubt. If I could just get myself to paint again and feel good about my art, maybe I could start finding a way out of this fog.