Chris

Profile

Username:
thepirateinthecity
Name:
Chris
Location:
Houston, TX
Birthday:
08/27
Status:
Single
Job / Career:
Construction

Stats

Post Reads:
39,348
Posts:
100
Last Online:
> 30 days ago
View All »

My Friends

16 hours ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago

Subscribe

My Totally Unfabulous Gay Life

Life & Events > In the Corners of My Mind
 

In the Corners of My Mind

"If a man has the strength to dream, he can redeem his soul and fly" - Elvis Presley

About 10 O'clock this morning, my phone rang. I saw from the caller ID it was my mom. I knew what the call was before I even answered it. I answered anyway.

Mom: Aunt Helen just passed away.

Me: When?

Mom: Monica just called me.

My mom's sister, Helen, had a heart attack a week ago. She had been on life support until last Thursday when the family removed her from it. She fought until this morning and she passed in her sleep.

My mom will be coming down for the funeral. My sister too. I will pick them up in Austin at the airport whenever they arrive. I will stay with my mom until she is ready to return home. Then I will return to Houston.

Helen was the oldest of the four daughters. My mom is second. She is now the oldest. For some strange reason right now, to me, that means she is going to be the next one to go. I am not certain how I would deal with that.

My dad on the other hand, I really have no feelings about him whatsoever. January will be three years since I have spoken to him. I am sitting here tonight wondering if I should do anything about that. I don't think he particularly wants me in his life. He never mentions me to my sister. he has his own life. Hell, he never even calls his grandaughter. He doesn't know that she asks about him less and less now. I guess she probably reminds of him of his failings.

I have many, many failings. A lot of them got me where I am today. I have received all of my medical test results. My kidneys are failing, it wasn't my heart afterall. However, the diuretics I am required to take because my kidneys are not eliminating all the fluids can actually cause more damage. I guess all of the 21 year old scotch and good Kentucky Bourbon finally caught up with me. I figured it would be my liver. Anyway, that is what I am dealing with.

I would like to make my mark on the world before I do. I would like for my life to have meant something. Maybe I can do something that will make up for the wreckage, carnage and broken hearts I left in my wake.

Maybe when I die, there will be more people that mourn than are glad I am gone.

I am a good person. I just have the demons I have wrestled with for my entire life. Every now and then I just have to see how far I can push the edge of the envelope. There is no reason for it, I just have to push and find out where the breaking point is. I even know when I am doing it and I am powerless to stop myself.

Never back up. Never give an inch.

I have so many blessings. I have an incredible daughter. I have an ex-wife, who, even though I took her over the hurdles, still cares about me. I am professionally successful. I even have this adorable young guy that says he loves me. I think that shows what a poor judge of character he is. And I have some friends that I know always have my back. I would never have to check to see if they were there.

Why is it then that I always want more? Why am I never satisfied? Am I still, at 44 years old, seeking approval from someone that never gave it? Am I the kid that wanted attention so badly that decided since being good wasn't working maybe I should be bad? Maybe.

I am better than all of this. So why the fuck can't I sleep at night?

posted on Nov 16, 2008 10:55 PM ()

Comments:

Hugs. Sorry to hear about the family death & family issues. Family problems can be so difficult to deal with at times.
comment by panthurdreams on Nov 18, 2008 8:53 AM ()
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your aunt. As for your dad, I understand all too well. It has taken me forty three years to get past the idea that somehow I have to have his approval and unconditional love to be whole. What I do know about you from your blogs, I see someone that is consciously doing his best in this life and trying to do right by others. Hang in there and keep moving forward as you always have.
comment by busymichmom on Nov 17, 2008 3:41 PM ()
First,sorry about the loss of your aunt.
Secondly and your kidney.They have a wealth of information out there about
this.At least I think that they can controlled it.
Why do you want more?well not sure what you want,but if you know then
get it.I think that your life there is pretty nice,a great daughter and a
ex-wife you get along with.That is great.
About not sleeping at night.Maybe you have to looked into this.
Whatever you do,we are here to help you along the way.
Take care.Hope your visit with mom and sister be cordial.
comment by fredo on Nov 17, 2008 9:51 AM ()
Chris, so many have indicated that you are a man who we are all proud to know and care about. We are all human and make mistakes, but that does not prevent us from being good people ... and you are a right. You are good people.
I am sorry to hear about your kidneys. Hopefully, they will find a way to either provide treatment or make the situation one where you are living comfortably with a chronic illness.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your aunt. I will be thinking about you and your family.
AJ
comment by lunarhunk on Nov 17, 2008 9:07 AM ()
You have made your mark on the world in the form of your daughter--don't ask for the moon when you have the stars--you have, also, meant a lot to many others and you know that so stop fishing for positive remarks about yourself!!!
I completely empathize with the whole thing with your Dad--been there, done that--didn't feel a thing when he died and haven't missed him since nor felt guilty about it--just go on and live your life.
My friend Michael is scheduled to have his kidney removed this week--was suppose to be removed last week but his doctor had a massive heart attack an hour before the operation!!!
Stop worrying about your death and keep on living.
Thanks for referring to em as 'this adorable young guy that says he loves me.'
comment by greatmartin on Nov 17, 2008 7:38 AM ()
You ARE a good person Chris. You care about a lot of people. There is a lot going around in your head now and then, I know. You have your moods and you can deal with them. Its still feels hard to read about your dad. I still can remember your posts about dealing with that problem (when he cut off the lines with you).
Sorry to hear about the kidneys, but on the other hand no heart problems. Be sure your life meant something. You always give an open view of life, you talk open and honest and your posts always mean a lot to me.
I understand the approval you want so badly. It hurts me you never received that. It will keep you busy Chris be sure of that and try to deal with that. Hugs buddy, you deserve them
comment by itsjustme on Nov 17, 2008 2:11 AM ()
I'm sorry to hear about your Aunt, Chris. My heart goes out to you, your mom and the whole family.

We all want to have our life mean something before we die. Have you put those thoughts in to specific terms. For what do you want to be remembered? May I suggest that you will be remembered by those lives you have touched along your journey. I imagine that in someway, you have made a difference in more lives than you realize. I know we don't feel that way at times, but I think it is true. I've been to enough funerals and sat there remembering the person who died. I often think about why they were special to me. Most of them, if not all of them, did have an impact on my life and usually it was very positive. Knowing that person, helped to make me who I am. I'm sure you have helped to mold some of the people you have known. The most important contribution we can make in this world is by being a friend to another person. You certainly have contributed much!!!!

I'm glad you posted that picture of yourself the other day. You have a wonderful smile. That smile is enough to cheer many many lives. You've certainly cheered my life at times and made me laugh.

I understand about the "wanting more." I, too, have never seemed satisfied and I don't sleep well at night, either. For me, I have found comfort in knowing that there is a God that cares very much about me. He understands me better than any person ever understood. He loves me inspite of my failings. He accepts me the way I am.... I don't have to be perfect before He welcomes me into His arms. If I need changing, He will take care of that part, too.

I think many of us feel like "bad" people from time-to-time. I think that is just that little guy with the pitchfork sitting on our shoulder whispering those lies into our ear. Just remember that God looks past the bad and sees our potential. He is saying to us, "Come to me and I will give you rest, peace, and forgiveness. I will give you eternal life."

I love you Chris... even though I don't know you except through your blogs. You have told me I am a "quality person." I know you are a
"quality person," too.

Sincerely - Annie
comment by anniel on Nov 16, 2008 11:59 PM ()

Comment on this article   


100 articles found   [ Previous Article ]  [ Next Article ]  [ First ]  [ Last ]