"If a man has the strength to dream, he can redeem his soul and fly" - Elvis Presley
About 10 O'clock this morning, my phone rang. I saw from the caller ID it was my mom. I knew what the call was before I even answered it. I answered anyway.
Mom: Aunt Helen just passed away.
Me: When?
Mom: Monica just called me.
My mom's sister, Helen, had a heart attack a week ago. She had been on life support until last Thursday when the family removed her from it. She fought until this morning and she passed in her sleep.
My mom will be coming down for the funeral. My sister too. I will pick them up in Austin at the airport whenever they arrive. I will stay with my mom until she is ready to return home. Then I will return to Houston.
Helen was the oldest of the four daughters. My mom is second. She is now the oldest. For some strange reason right now, to me, that means she is going to be the next one to go. I am not certain how I would deal with that.
My dad on the other hand, I really have no feelings about him whatsoever. January will be three years since I have spoken to him. I am sitting here tonight wondering if I should do anything about that. I don't think he particularly wants me in his life. He never mentions me to my sister. he has his own life. Hell, he never even calls his grandaughter. He doesn't know that she asks about him less and less now. I guess she probably reminds of him of his failings.
I have many, many failings. A lot of them got me where I am today. I have received all of my medical test results. My kidneys are failing, it wasn't my heart afterall. However, the diuretics I am required to take because my kidneys are not eliminating all the fluids can actually cause more damage. I guess all of the 21 year old scotch and good Kentucky Bourbon finally caught up with me. I figured it would be my liver. Anyway, that is what I am dealing with.
I would like to make my mark on the world before I do. I would like for my life to have meant something. Maybe I can do something that will make up for the wreckage, carnage and broken hearts I left in my wake.
Maybe when I die, there will be more people that mourn than are glad I am gone.
I am a good person. I just have the demons I have wrestled with for my entire life. Every now and then I just have to see how far I can push the edge of the envelope. There is no reason for it, I just have to push and find out where the breaking point is. I even know when I am doing it and I am powerless to stop myself.
Never back up. Never give an inch.
I have so many blessings. I have an incredible daughter. I have an ex-wife, who, even though I took her over the hurdles, still cares about me. I am professionally successful. I even have this adorable young guy that says he loves me. I think that shows what a poor judge of character he is. And I have some friends that I know always have my back. I would never have to check to see if they were there.
Why is it then that I always want more? Why am I never satisfied? Am I still, at 44 years old, seeking approval from someone that never gave it? Am I the kid that wanted attention so badly that decided since being good wasn't working maybe I should be bad? Maybe.
I am better than all of this. So why the fuck can't I sleep at night?