In the face of more and more military suicides, an “epidemic” according to Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, the Army has recently authorized a three year grant to an Indiana U. professor to study the prospect of a nasal spray being used to deliver thyrotropin-releasing hormone (TRH), known to have anti-suicidal and anti-depression effects, to the brain.

I’m not making this up.

One can only imagine how this spray, if perfected, will be dispensed to newly-enlisted soldiers.

“Here’s your gun, your backpack, a canteen, an extra pair of field socks and, oh yeh, here’s your nasal spray to use if you start feeling suicidal.”

While they’re at it, perhaps they ought to have Professor Spritz work on some other helpful nasal sprays. I have some suggestions.

How about a spray containing Manic Aggressive Chemical Hero Oxide (MACHO)? That way, when the bullets are flying all over the place, a nervous soldier can pull out his MACHO spray and negate his fear of death.

Perhaps they can exhume Audie Murphy, get some of his DNA, and put that in a nasal spray.

For officers, they might try a spray containing lactose extract antiyossarian ditoxin (LEAD).

But forget about the military for a moment. How about a nasal spray for congressmen? They can use the chemical compound dipso-uremic-moroni-bicuspid-acidose-sucrose-synopsis (DUMBASS). Just one or two quick squirts up the ol’ nose will produce decidedly bipartisan thinking.

Chemicals have really made great strides since the love-sunshine drug (LSD).