I'm still having trouble dealing with my cousin's suicide.  That, plus some bad news from my brother last week, has really kept me from moving away from this sadness I  feel. 

My brother's cancer appears to have spread according to his last CT scan.  His oncologist wants to do another biopsy, but she told Jim that it did not look good.   She said that after the biopsy, if it is positive, and she stated that she quite frankly thought it would be, that he would have two more chemotherapy treatments; then they would reevaluate to determine if the treatments were being effective.

However, my oncologist told me that what is difficult to control is spread after the initial treatments.  So, I am bracing for more distressing reports.

The thought that, of the three of us, I may be the only one surviving is really depressing. My brother has upset me more than once with his reckless lifestyle and his drinking; but he is still my brother.   Then, there's my mother, in a nursing home, 87 and also in bad health.

It is difficult to share this with the girls because they don't have the same feelings for Jim that I have.  He is one generation removed, plus they now have their own families that are the centers of their universe, which is as it should be. 

The thought of going through two more family deaths alone makes me really bitter sometimes, though I fight it. Lying and betrayal leads to so much heartache.

I'm trying to stay busy to keep my mind occupied.  Bevan is playing in a golf tournament today and tomorrow so I will be going over to their house in just a bit as the cleaning people come today.  Then,  I will have to pick Kenzie up,  take her home, get her ready for gymnastics class, drop her off, race back to school to pick up Bailey, then back to gymnastics. 

Holly is meeting her good friends with whom she worked at her original law firm tonight for a fun evening out, so I will spend the night.  Of the four of them, only one is still at that firm.  One now works for some company as their environmental attorney, another is now employed for the federal reserve system, and I'm not sure about the other one, though Holly mentioned where she worked.  I just wasn't listening as closely as I should have.

In the morning, I will take the girls to school; then, I will have to go back to their house to wait for a heating and air guy who is coming by to evaluate the system.  They are finally moving back into their home at the end of  June; so the man who owns the house they are leasing wants to have the A/C checked out before he puts the house in which they are living back on the market.

The people who have been leasing their home will be moving June 1; but they plan to have it repainted and have new carpet laid before they move back in it.

It will be surreal for them to finally be back in their home after five years.