I always have said that the three greatest gifts God gave me as a Suth'n woman were that I was born white, protestant, and a Sooner!!

I mean after all, who wants to have a lazy, stinking longhorn represent him? Look At that! Is that not a pathetic excuse for a mascot? Can they even get him to stand up and fart when the team scores! I doubt it, folks! I seriously doubt it! In the unlikely event that he did get the energy to let one rip, though, I'd certainly hate to be sitting in that north end zone with a stiff southern breeze whipping it my way!!



Now, we Sooners, on the other hand, are out there rippin' and roarin' around the field in our Sooner Schooner with our flags waving and the Rufneks firing their rifles. Now, that's what I call a proactive mascot!!
Alas, though, there's one other gift I wish God had given me when he was passing out blessings. I mean, just WHY exactly did I have to be born to parents who were Middle Class? Couldn't He just as easily have had the stork plop me down on some filthy rich man's doorstep?


If the Big Boss had done that, I wouldn't have been lying beside the road this morning looking up under my car trying to figure out what that kerplunk, kerplunk, kerplunk noise was. Yes, another kerplunk, kerplunk, kerplunk; and, yes, that is I (notice the use of correct grammatical case there. Ah' may have a Suth'n accent; but it's an educated one, ah'll tell ya' that!).
Instead, some "studly-looking" chaffeur in the tightest pants he could find could have been serving me champagne as we sat beside the road. Hey! If I'm going to dream, I might as well dream big! I like a nice bulge as well as the next gal! Don't pretend you don't look, girls! I KNOW you do!!
Before I go on, I know some of you are seriously questioning that the nice candid shot above is really "yours truly." That's just because you haven't seen all those empty kleenex boxes in my bathroom!! What can I say? Just think of it as an exercise in suspension of disbelief!!
But, I digress! Back to why I'm stretched out with my head under the car! On the way to the bank this morning, my car suddenly started shaking and sounding as those it were ready to fall apart. Actually, it probably COULD fall apart; but it has served me well so far.
When I perused the situation, I could see nothing. So, I limped into the first auto repair shop I could find. Seems those idiots yesterday had not tightened the lug bolts on my wheel. One was completely gone, another was sheered half off, and the rest were dangerously loose.
The mechanic cheerfully informed me that I would have run the wheel off in another ten minutes. Like I said! I really deserved to be born rich!
In addition, it had damaged my brand new wheel. WHY do these things always happen to me? Remember my broken power steering belt after supposedly just having all the belts replaced?
So, I headed back to Discount Tires, with tightened lug bolts now, for a friendly little chat. In my grubby, but, alas, Middle Class hand was one of lawyer daughter's business cards, just in case ,you know, as well as the bill from the mechanic to repair the sloppy work Discount Tires had done.
I didn't have to play the "lawyer card", though. Those guys were bending over to kiss my butt when they found out what had happened. I, of course, declined. I may not be rich; but I still have my Sooner pride. I mean, after all, they are LONGHORN FANS, and I am very discriminating about who KISSES my butt!!