I don't think I have ever had a conversation on the phone with my mother that she didn't give me a "bowel" report. Mother firmly believed that if she didn't have a bowel movement every day that something was seriously wrong. Then she would take a laxative. Next conversation! She has diarrhea and she can't figure out why! For the five years she lived with me, I got the daily report every evening when I walked in the door.

I said to her more than once, "Mother, I don't give you a daily report on my bowels; and I would just as soon you didn't give me one on yours. That's really MORE information than I need or WANT to know."

"If you suffered with your bowels the way I do with mine, you would!"

I could never figure out for the life of me how she was "suffering with her bowels."

The girls learned not to ask her how she was when they came for a visit for fear of getting the "bowel report". The three of us have had many a laugh over Gram's "bowel reports."

The company for which I work recently developed a CLIA waived, which means anyone can administer it without training, and FDA approved test to determine if the lower GI tract contains any blood. Normally, we only sell our tests to doctors' offices; however,the company is so confident that this test is a snap for the consumer that it is launching a television campaign this week, complete with 30-second infomercials promoting it for self-testing as well.

This test saves lives, but having had to live with the "bowel report" from Gram on a daily basis, Kenna and I have had a lot of fun with this particular test, which requires one to take five small samples of his stool with a small stick, place them in a vial of liquid, shake thoroughly, then pour a few drops of this into a receptor that will give the person a positive or negative in five minutes.

Kenna was telling Holly, who calls us every morning on her way to work, about it.(The attorney gets to go to work later than the rest of us paens.)

"Holly! You should order this for Bevan and you! If you buy one, we'll ship you another free! You know what they say, 'The family that poops together stays together!'

"How does it work? What do you have to do?"

"Well, you poop on this little piece of paper. Then, you take this little stick, poke it into the poop five times, then put that into a vial, shake it, stick another stick in it and it will tell you in five minutes if you have any blood in your stools"

Kenna is very serious, but knowing my Holly the way that I do, I am just waiting for her response.

After what could only be described as a pregnant pause, Holly, the quintessential "uptown" girl responds, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

I'm sitting at my desk already laughing.

Then Kenna says, "Oh! I have the perfect person for this test--Jill! (her MIL, of whom Holly is not the fondest) and that woman she takes care of--what's her name--'Bunny' or 'Honey'?"

I can see Holly visualizing Jill collecting Pinky's (the woman's name) and her poop on the little "patient folders' that come with the test.

"I know, Holly! Give it to her for Christmas." Jill once did not take Holly and Bevan's Christmas present home when she left because they bought it in the women's plus sizes. She took one look at it, checked the tags, tossed it aside and never picked it up again. (take it from me--she IS a plus size!) It just infuriated Holly.

By now I'm laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face.

Today, the subject came up again. We got a call from one of our doctor's nurses asking us if we knew the directions for the collection paper read, "Place collection paper over toilet bowel!" This whole thing is starting out as a comedy of errors.

"I hope this TV campaign they are launching is a success." (We have had to curtail our advertising because of it.)

"So do I," Kenna replied.

"I know! If the 30-second spots don't work, the company can produce an infomercial!"

"Great idea!" said Kenna. "We can show the people how to draw funny faces in their poop after they collect it on the 'collection paper.' And how about using it just like silly putty! We could offer a prize--a free test for the whole family--to the person who could create the most unique design with his poop!"

She had the tears streaming down my face again.

One final note: If you have a concern, this at-home test for early colorectal cancer markers and other intestinal concerns really is easy to administer and saves lives. I will be happy to provide you a link if you will send me an e-mail.