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I have been questioning my mothering "skills" for some time now. I have looked at myself in the mirror long and hard. I have sot out advise and received wonderful information. I just finished reading "For the Mother's Soul"! I am truly thankful I did this. Sometimes life just just gets me down- and I think that I am worse off than I actually am. So I can't afford to buy the "in" things for the kids, and some times I don't get the good snacks for them, or even the right drinks. Lately every little thing they say and do sets me in a "mood". I don't like that feeling of just wanting to scream out! Things around my house have to be done "MY" way or its just not right. Cleaning the house usually comes first before anything- because what if someone stops over and sees a unmade bed or some dishes in the sink- the world would stop!
Yesterday I took "K" to the park. Just her and I alone. I sat for a few minutes watching her and thought- she looks so cute - lets make a memory. So I jumped up and pushed her on the tire swing and in return she did the same to me. But I almost laughed so hard I could have gotten sick! Her face was dirty but her smile was so bright! We went on the swings to see who could go higher - yes she won! We went down the slides and she made me go down the faster one! She showed me all her little tricks on her school play ground. I was so happy - she looked up at me and said"your the best mom"! I cried and she said those are happy tears, right? Oh yes they were- My daughter may be spoiled but she has the BIGGEST heart that I have ever known. We talked on that playground - like I have never talked to her before. I hope she understood everything I said- if not than maybe a little!
Today we went to look at a new duplex. In the same town as my ex-husband. "D" was with his dad so I called him to tell him all about it- I told him where it was- a street down from his fathers. A few hours later he called me to tell me that him and his father went down to check it out. He said "mom its awsome - you won't have to buy as much gas now because I can walk to school". I laughed - he does hear me when I say I can't bring him someplace because I have no money or gas.
Maybe it is me being too hard on thinking my children just don't understand. Sometimes things can be rough around here and I get stressed out. I talked to my children - a little (age appropriate) about how they had been acting. I think its working! They are who they are and thats the best gift god could have ever given me - MY CHILDREN! I wouldn't trade them for my own life - they are the reason I wake up in the morning and they are my air I breathe!
I still need to work on boundaries and consequences for their actions! Tomorrow is a new day! And I am thankful for today!
