Chances are, I'll never earn anything above an Associate's Degree. My interests are too varied and scattered. My newest curiosity is addiction. I want to understand the physiological and psychological aspects of addition that make some people more susceptible than others. How do they affect recovery? How do they affect relapse? My interest isn't limited to chemical dependencies, but extends to other forms of addiction, such as gambling, codependency and abusive behavior. I've heard most of the cliche's. Scientific data is what I seek. Do I have the courage and stamina to offer help to someone struggling with these things? Could I be effective? So many possibilities.

On another note, I became extremely frustrated with my own insecurities this week, both at work and in personal life. When I detect them and see how self-defeating they are, it makes me angry and more determined than ever to overcome them. What is the source of that sinister, very believable, silent, inner voice that says, "You're not good enough. You don't fit in. You're boring, ugly, stupid, odd, etc, etc.?" Why, suddenly, does it disappear and the world is instantly right again? After an episode like this week, I come away asking, "How on earth did you get to that spot?" Now don't get me wrong. Without going into detail and sounding bragadocious or arrogant, I've been a very successful person in many areas of my life. So it's not like these self-defeating scripts are accurate. They really aren't. So why do I believe them in the moment? Why do I act accordingly when a few moments' reflection would result in a positive course correction? Wow, let's slam shut that window into my soul and move on.

I look forward to a stage in my life in which I'll have more time to pursue my many varied interests, such as cooking, furthering my education and, yes Marg, even honing a few of my artistic bents. Right now, my life is more a reaction to realistic demands on my time and energy. I get that. I don't resent it. I hope I don't resent it. Right now, my job is to make enough money to raise a family. So far, so good. I do, however, see a future in which free time will be a consistent reality, instead of the intermittent fantasy it has become.

Well, this has to be one of the craziest posts I've ever written, but it feels good to get it down on "paper".