I would give anything to be kissing him right now.

Actually, I would give anything to be nursing him right now. His body curled up against mine or his head in my lap, his body finally relaxed after forty two years of tension and strain, his open mouth against me, gently suckling. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable for me to write about the breastfeeding. But I’m just so grateful for my own forum, where I can say nearly anything and be as honest as I need to be, especially about this, instead of coming up with code words and discreet ways of describing what we spend so much time doing with one another.

I’d give anything for that sensation right now. I dreamed about it last night. The kind of dream that seems so real you have a little bit of trouble believing that it didn’t really happen. And as soon as I woke up enough to realize that I was in my own bed, 528 miles away from his, I could feel the lonesomeness sinking into my chest and beginning to settle in for what would prove to be a long and lonely day.

This isn’t getting any easier. And I’m still searching for a quicker way. A way to fast forward and speed past the lessons and the journeys and the never ending logistics but so far, nothing has materialized.

I’m really missing him. And it’s only been a week since I saw him last. That’s not good.

I tried posting some pictures on here a little earlier but it didn’t work out. I think it’s because of my Internet connection. By the time the damn thing uploads, I lose my connection or my dial up accelerator and the computer crashes. Either that or all of that enema porn we searched invited in a virus! No, seriously…they were good photos and I was eager to share. But instead, you’ll have to be happy with my description of events.

I heard Michael wake up from his morning nap and was bracing myself for his inevitable cry. He’s been having a real hard time the past month, ever since Rock left. He’s got some serious separation anxiety and it’s one of the most painful situations I’ve ever gone through with Michael (which is really saying something, given what he and I have been through, don’t you think?). I was right in the middle of posting my previous article and was willing the computer and the Internet connection to * hurry up * so that I could get to him before he cried. But then I realized I hadn’t heard him, yet. He wasn’t crying. And I hadn’t seen Kate in a while, either. She hadn’t been into my bedroom to pester me about when Halloween was for the fiftieth time. And as most parents know, only laughter and silence can actually be worse than crying.

So, I headed into Michael’s room to investigate. And what I found was Kate sitting in his crib, playing with him and making him not only smile but laugh, too. And it was just so precious I had to take a picture. Finding the two of them in there, jumping and playing… well, it’s moments like those, isn’t it? Those are the moments that make time stand still.

And speaking of time standing still, I have to take Michael to the portrait studio tomorrow to have his picture taken. The girls’ school photos actually turned out pretty well this year, which was quite surprising. So I ordered packages of them instead of forking out more for another portrait at the studio. After Michael and I are finished there, we have to rush home to meet with M for a long overdue appointment. I think Michael will be too tired to play or exercise with her but I’m not concerned…he has another one with both M and The Weirdo for physiotherapy a week from tomorrow. This upcoming appointment with M is mostly so that she and I can discuss a few things. Still, a fairly full afternoon for the little beasty.

Rock will be here any minute. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m nervous. He has seen a lawyer and recommended one for me to see. He wants a legal separation agreement drawn up. So tonight he wants to sit down and talk about what we want to have happen, what we both want in terms of support and visitation and all that jazz. I’m nervous because I’m just too drained to fight or even argue. And I don’t want to be railroaded. And I don’t want to called a whore. I don’t object to the idea of a separation agreement at all. It’s just what he might want me to agree to that makes my heart beat a little faster. And the possible mess in the middle of this. I had been really hoping to avoid a messy, lawyer involved kind of situation. I’m not good with confrontation…never have been. And I’m scared of my kids losing more of their Dad if I put up any kind of fight or don’t agree right off the bat. They’ve lost enough, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t want to make it more difficult for them but he won’t care if he does as long as he wins and looks good. So yeah, I’m really nervous, sitting here in my room, listening for the door while keeping my other ear out for the kids in the living room, watching that horrible Drake and Josh show on YTV.

And I still have to bring some wood in from outside. And it’s cold and getting colder and I haven’t put the heat on all day. And I know I don’t have to be so careful with it. But I can’t help it. And I just heard the baby yell, “M-o-o-m-e-e-e-e!” (yes, he says Mommy instead of Mama. I was “Mama” for about two days before he started calling me Mommy, like his sisters) so I guess that’s my cue, eh?

Oh! But before I go…I almost forgot the most important part!

Because I know it was just eat away at poor Stiva if he doesn’t get his regular janetk and her fucked up washing machine update…

I had to re-adjust the fucking thing for the cycle again this morning so now I REALLY don’t know why it went fine yesterday. Gr. Maybe it’s because the cycle that went alright yesterday was just my stuff and some towels…no little kid clothes or small baby items. Maybe it’s the smaller stuff getting stuck under the wheelie thing and making it stop? Maybe I should try putting my stuff in first…Ah, domestic bliss. Ain’t it fucking grand? Ha.

Cross your fingers, everyone. I think I just heard the door.