Well, I’m disappointed!

I am flying to Tampa Bay, FL on Southwest Airlines this morning, and all I’ve been hearing on the news lately is how invasive and humiliating the new TSA security measures are for airline passengers.

I’ve heard about the new body scanners that show a picture of every nook, cranny and appendage of your body, brightening the days in the otherwise mundane existence of TSA agents by providing them with exceptional ogling opportunities.

I’ve heard about the aggressive security “pat downs” that those who refuse the body scanners must endure as the cavities and fleshy parts of their bodies are explored and invaded by probing fingers of the lustful agents. 

I’ve heard about colostomy bags bursting due to the aggressiveness of such pat downs.

I’ve heard about strip searches of four-year-old children who were suspected of being terrorists.

I’ve heard so many wonderful stories of debauchery and humiliation at airport security checkpoints…and I was SO looking forward to the experience!

Before I got in a line at the checkpoint, I scoped out the TSA agents carefully, and picked the line with the cutest agent. As I waited in line, I was all a-tingle with anticipation.  I couldn’t suppress a broad smile as I removed my shoes and watch and thought, Oh My God! It’s starting!!!! And this is just the beginning!

I could barely contain myself as I watched my carry-on baggage slide into the gaping maw of the security scanning machine. I looked up, and almost squealed with delight when I realized that I was next in line!

I looked over at the agent, and my breath caught in my throat when she made eye contact with me and waved me through the metal detector.

When I stepped through the machine and looked at her expectantly, she glanced at her monitor and  said, “Okay. You’re fine. Have a nice flight!”

I stopped dead in my tracks. “Excuse me?” I said.

She then made eye contact with me and repeated, “You’re fine. Have a nice flight.”

WHAT???!!! That was it??!!!! No strip search? No total body scan? No ogling agents? No freaking grope? Are you freaking kidding me????!!!!!????!!!

W…T…F?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I looked back at the agent and said, “Really? That’s it?

She nodded and said, “Uh-huh. You’re all set.”

“But what about the enhanced security measures? What about the groping and molesting? What about the debauchery? What about all of the fun I’ve been hearing about?”

She cocked her and eyed me suspiciously. “What are you talking about?”

“The grope! The free feel! The pornography!” Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t actually say those last few sentences, but I could tell by the look she was giving me that she knew what was going through my mind; she looked at me as if I had two heads. (Which, in fact, I do! That’s the whole freaking point! And I wanted her to see…or FEEL… both of them!

After a moment or two of silence, she waved me on and dismissively stated, “Have a nice day, sir.”

“Yeah,” I replied dejectedly. “You too.” Then I trudged on to my assigned gate.

All this talk about being violated and humiliated – it’s just bullshit.

Nothing of the sort happened.

Nada.

Shit!

Modern aviation sure is boring.