You know what? I really don’t see the attraction of shopping in “gift shops.”

You know the places that I’m talking about.  They are the ones that have the Christmas decorations on display all year long and have names like, “The Pink Sleigh” and “New and Old Fascinations”. They are the ones with all of SUV’s in the parking lot and women with big purses crowding their aisles.

Seriously.

Why do women go into a place like that?  To target shop?  I doubt it. I mean, how many people think, I really JUST CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT t a little wicker basket made in Shanghai that is shaped like a baby Koala Bear lying playfully on its back and wearing ski boots, mittens and a Santa Claus hat?   

For $6.25

That will fall apart 48 hours after you get it home. (Mary Ellen one time asked an owner of one of these places, “What’s the warranty on this $12.00 wristwatch?” His reply was, “Where are you parked?”)

These places are filled with “Must Have” items like:

1.       Cards with photos of animals on them that are posed in the most un-animal-like poses which are supposedly “cute” or “funny,” or . . .”precious.”

2.       Cheap, mass produced ceramic figurines.

3.       Pictures of Elvis.

4.       Maple sugar candy.

5.       Old time Necco Wafers, Skyy Bars, Rolos, Sugar Babies, Sugar Daddies, candy cigarettes and “penny candy” that now costs a buck.

6.       Scented candles. (Do you really want one that fills the house with the smell of apple pies baking? Not me.  If I smell apple pies baking, I want to also know that soon I’ll be able to taste those freaking pies.  If all you get is the smell, it’s just a big tease.)

7.       Machine-embroidered pillows that say things like, “A sister is . . .” or “If you’re lucky enough to be born Irish, you’re lucky enough!”

8.       Door mats made out of burlap or straw.

9.       Tee shirts with mass-produced witty sayings on them, which I never think are funny. (The BEST tee-shirt I ever saw was being worn by an extremely overweight biker, replete with leather vest and dew rag, which said, “The best part of a blow job is the ten minutes of silence.” I don’t think The Vermont Rocking Horse General Store is going to be carrying that one.

10.   Coffee mugs with the same stupid sayings on them.

11.   Christmas collection CD’s of ancient, dead singers.

12.   Meditation CD’s of the songs of whales.

13.   Christmas ornaments that are so ugly that even the Nativity Scenes are offensive to Born-Again, Right-Wing, super-religious, Southern Baptist  Walmart shoppers.

Ever notice the patrons of these places? Excited women and men with rings through their noses who are looking to please in order to either:

1.       Keep the peace or,

2.       Get pay-back later on.

These women slowly work their ways around the store, examining items, nudging one another and saying things like, “Wouldn’t this look adorable over the mantle?” while their husbands are either walking behind them in a daze or are waiting outside the place on the “spouses’ bench”, staring off into the great nothingness that is their lives when they go shopping with their wives.

The women’s expressions of delight when scrutinizing these pieces of pure, unadulterated crap from the Far East (Marco Polo is rolling over in his grave!!!!)  lead me to wonder if the female of the species has any clue whatsoever as to what quality is. Do they really believe that these creations made out of bamboo and Plaster-of-Paris  are worth spending any money whatsoever on?

 Do they really believe that the tee-shirt that says, “World’s Best Gramma” is going to last through one cycle in the washing machine before it shreds away to a forty-seven mile string of polyester?

Do they really think that they just can’t live without this stuff, or do they just feel like they’re just in the mood to spend money? 

If they simply want to spend cash, instead of buying two hundred little trinkets that are made in China and will fall apart or warp or melt or end up containing lead that will kill off everyone who spends time in the same room with them, may I suggest spending money on something or more lasting value…like, say, a 60-inch, flat screen, high definition television with a SurroundSound Dolby system attached?