Look, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

LOTS of people are afraid of heights.

I don't know this for certain, and I've
never heard anybody say it, nor have I ever read anything about it,
but I'll bet Einstein was afraid of heights. He was smart enough to
figure out that if a human body falls off a 100-foot cliff, it
converts to a huge, bloody lump of fly food at the rather abrupt end
of the journey...relatively speaking.

Oh, all right! I'm afraid of heights!

I said it.

Happy now?

And, consequently, that makes me afraid
of roller coasters.

Deathly afraid
of roller coasters, which is something that a ten-year-old at Disney
World with her grandparents has difficulty wrapping her mind around.

“Yes, sweetheart.
Grampy is afraid of roller coasters, and, if you had an ounce of
brains in that pretty, little, blonde, pony-tailed head of yours,
you'd be freaking afraid of them too. But your brain hasn't fully
developed yet, and the synapses don't fire quite as efficiently as
they should just yet.

Hmmm? Why isn't
Grandma afraid of them then? Well, first of all, she's a woman, and
most women aren't afraid of many things that they SHOULD be afraid
of!

Secondly, Grandma's
brain, although fully developed and quite intelligent in other ways,
has a short circuit or something in it that doesn't let her know
fear. That's why she does totally nuts-o things like bungee jump off
a 150-foot high bridge in Queenstown, New Zealand.

Normal people don't
do that.

Seriously.

You should learn to
be afraid.

It could save your
life.”

No, of course I
didn't really say all that to Alyssa when she asked why I wouldn't
ride Splash Mountain, Aerosmith's Rock n' Roller Coaster, or Space
Mountain with her. I simply told her that I don't like rides like
that, and Grandma does.

So, for most of the
STUPID rides at Disney World were concerned, the two of them
together, and I would happily remain with both feet planted firmly on
Terra Firma as I calmly waited for them to defy death and return to
my grateful and loving arms afterward.

I rode
the other rides. I rode Test Trak with them, which is the longest
and fastest ride in Disney. (I don't mind bumps and jolts and speed
and banked curves...just freaking heights.) I rode the Soaring ride
at EPCOT, which, in my opinion, is the best amusement park ride in
existence. (It simulates the experience of hang gliding high above
the different regions of The United States.. It's an amazing ride
that I would ride all day long if I could, because it only simulates heights. It is an illusion. In
actuality, you are only about five feet off the ground and staring at
a gigantic IMAX movie screen.)

I
also lived through Alien Invasion and some IMAX ride where C3PO takes
you careening around some alien planet in a supersonic space vehicle,
diving down inside of tight, high-walled canyons and soaring over
mountain tops while being pursued by creatures who, for some reason
or other, are extremely pissed
off at all things human.

All of those rides were fun, and I thoroughly enjoyed them and
marveled at the engineering and creativity that went into designing
them.

On our third day in the park, I decided that I was going to forge
forward and not let myself be ruled by fear any longer. I decided to
ride a roller coaster at Disney.

I told my wife and my granddaughter of my decision, and I said that I
would ride the next roller coaster that we came upon.

Five minutes later, I was standing in line for The Thunder Mountain
Express

Thunder Mountain is a roller coaster that is designed to look like a
runaway steam locomotive that goes careening around western mountains
and badlands.

I have been told that, when riding a roller coaster, the middle cars
give the smoothest rides. The cars in the back can have more a
whiplash action, and the front cars are the worst for people who are
afraid of heights.

So, when it came our turn to get aboard, I headed for the middle.

Alyssa ran right for the seats in the very front of the damned
train and called out, “Grampy! Come sit next to me!”

Shit.

I looked at my wife. She shrugged and said, “Do what you need to
do.”

Double shit.

I sat down next to Alyssa and smiled at her, all the time the voice
in my head was screaming, “GET OUT!!!!! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL
CAN!!!!! TO HELL WITH IT IF THE KID THINKS YOU”RE A WIMP!!!!! SHE'S
A FREAKING TEN-YEAR-OLD!!!!!! WHO GIVES A DAMN WHAT SHE THINKS????
GET OUT WHILE YOUR STILL IN ONE PIECE!!!!!”

But I didn't. I sat down next to my granddaughter. As the attendant
put the steel bar across our laps and the train suddenly lurched
forward, Alyssa reached over and grabbed my arm. I looked
down at her, and she just grinned back at me, full of excitement.

Slowly, the damned train began climbing a steep hill made out of the
remnants of an Erector Set.

Click...click....click....we inched our way up the incline to our
deaths.

As we made our ascent, I kept thinking things like, This is a
controlled ride. It is safe. It is designed by engineers who really know what they're doing. This ride has been been running for at
least a quarter of a century without an accident or a fatality.

And then, I'd get flashes of newspaper headlines in my head like,
Fatal Accident On Roller Coaster In Disney! Connecticut Man Dies
When Ride Leaves Tracks And Sails Off Into Oblivion!!!!

I grabbed onto the lap bar for dear life. My hands were tingling, my
mouth went completely dry and my head went numb. I remember thinking,
You've got a ten-year-old sitting next to you who loves you and
looks up to you. NO FUCKING CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then, we hit the summit. The train stopped for one second, sort
of like to catch its breath, and then . . .

DOWN WE PLUNGED like
a bat out of hell!!!!

And,
do you know what???? I
freaking LOVED it!

We streaked down the tracks, sailed around banked curves, and bumped
and jostled through rough sudden twists and turns at break-neck
speeds.

The G-forces pushed me back in the seat. My cheeks flapped in the
wind. My hair pushed straight back...and I found myself hooting and
laughing like a kid!

As soon as we crested the first hill, everything was wonderful! I
looked over at Alyssa, and then glanced back at Mary Ellen, who was
sitting directly behind us. Excitement and joy was in both of their
faces, and the adrenaline rush that was surging through my body was
obviously being felt by them too.

Life was good!

And the experience was over much quicker than I wanted it to be!

When we pulled into the unloading station, my right ear was ringing
to the point where I was almost deaf due to Alyssa's chronic
screaming through the whole damned ride!

As
we disembarked, I felt pretty damned proud of myself. I had just
ridden a roller coaster!!!!

ME!!!!

I did that!

With
my chest out, and my shoulders thrown back, I strutted away from
Thunder Mountain, and I said to Alyssa and Mary, “So how about
that! I not only rode a roller coaster, but I actually enjoyed it.

Alyssa
smiled and shook her head as she replied, “Oh Grampy! That was just
a baby roller
coaster!”

Oh yeah, I thought but didn't say, Then how come you screamed your
brains out through the whole damned thing?

Sometimes I really hate kids!