Profile
Photos
Comments
I think one of the differences between being an adult and being a child is that a child thinks of things in this life as being constant; decisions and judgements are always clear-cut, obvious and black-or-white. An adult knows that, in the real world, almost nothing is constant or permanent, and, rather than being polarized, almost every moral quest we embark upon is painted with multiple shades of gray.
The ancients, in their innocence and ignorance, would gaze into the heavens at night and see stagnant, immovable objects and patterns. They saw what they thought was stability and lawfulness and harmony. As we learn more and more about the true nature of the universe, we become aware that just the opposite is true; there is little or no harmony. Much of what takes place out there is random, violent and chaotic.
And the same holds true in the inner space of our lives here on earth.
In the perfect, Leave It To Beaver world, there are certain constants upon which people can rely. In this perfect, fantasy world, there is unflagging, unwavering truth. The right answer or decision today will still be the right answer or decision one thousand years from now and for every circumstance and situation. (This is also the same world that Rush Limbaugh tries to fabricate for his doting minions. He is so successful because such an unfettered universe is comforting and easy to take.) It is a peaceful, secure, comfortable and lobotomized world where everything follows formulated answers and patterns. It is a place to live where everything is predictable and easy to judge.
It is also a world that does not exist. Never has. To believe in such a place, such a Camelot, is naive and childish. To adhere to those beliefs even after being shown that, most of the time, they have nothing to do with reality, is sheer stupidity.
Life is not easy. There are no easy answers. There is no guaranteed security.
My daughter is getting a divorce.
I had heard rumblings about this before, but tonight, my daughter informed me about it herself, and, for the first time, it really hit home with me, and it hit hard.
She met me for dinner tonight at a restaurant, and laid it all out for me. She said that she wanted to tell me herself rather than have me hear it from somebody else or from him. She knew that I would be upset. She wasn’t sure if I would be angry.
According to her, she had never been happy in her marriage, which, to all outsiders, appeared to be blissful and comfortable. On the inside, however, it was fraught with turmoil, deceit and power plays.
Suddenly, all the happiness and contentment that I’ve always felt when thinking about her and her children and her husband dissolved away to nothing. The solid ground on which I always stood turned instantly into quicksand. I felt off-balance, shaken, scared.
She told me that her mother, who divorced me eighteen years ago, was very angry with her for the decision to end her marriage. My daughter told me that her mother all but renounced her, and listed off various and sundry reasons why she should stay married to her husband. (I took my ex’s anger with a grain of salt. If you ask me, old Cruella is always angry. I believe that she isn’t happy unless she is miserable.)
I looked across the table at my daughter who was staring at me wide-eyed, searching my face for some clue as to my coming reaction.
I can tell you right now, she saw no anger. None. Shock? Perhaps. But no anger.
I’m sure she saw sorrow. There was plenty of it there. My chest suddenly felt tight and heavy. My throat closed up on me. My thoughts went whirling, and I was body-slammed with a deep and sudden grief. I don’t think she could have missed it.
I was sad because I was worried about my beautiful and innocent granddaughters. It broke my heart to think of them in emotional pain. I flashed to my own tumultuous childhood, and I remembered how frightened and helpless I felt when my parents fought so violently.
I got so upset thinking about my granddaughters’ impending pain that tears welled up in my eyes. And, even though I brushed them away swiftly, my daughter saw them.
I also felt horrible for her. She must be going through so
much fear, disorientation, sorrow, anger. I had a hard time thinking of her in so much pain and turmoil.
When she finished laying all of her cards out on the table for me. She folded her hands and stared down at them.
I said nothing.
After a minute of pregnant silence, she said, “What are you thinking, Dad?â€
I shrugged and said that I wasn’t sure.
She asked me if I was angry.
I looked up at her, and saw a five-year-old girl looking at her Daddy and wondering if he was still going to love her, even if she had been bad.
That broke my heart even more.
My perfect world was shattered, and the white picket fence dream world was gone. I could live with that. But my daughter’s tears were another story altogether.
I reached across the table and took her hands in mine. (To my embarrassment, my hands were trembling as much as my voice.) After I moment, I gained my composure, and I said, “Don’t worry about anything. There is nothing in this whole world that you could ever do that would make me stop loving you. Nothing. Do you understand? You are my daughter, and I will love you forever.â€
We both cried for a few moments, and then I said, “All I’m asking you to do think everything through thoroughly. That’s all. Just don’t jump into anything blindly. However, in the end, you need to do what is right for yourself, no matter what anybody else thinks, including me. And you need to protect your children.†I must have said that three or four times in rapid succession.
She cried again, squeezed my hands, and she said, “I really love you, Dad.â€
At that moment, I realized that I had found one of the few and scattered constants that still exist in this universe. I realized that, right there in front of me I was staring at one of the exceptions to the “chaotic universe†concept. Constants in this life are few and far between, but there are some floating around in this Creation in which we live. One of them is love – love between a husband and wife, love between grandparents and grandchildren, and love between fathers and daughters.
As I looked across the table and saw her tear-filled eyes looking back at me with relief and gratitude, I realized that my daughter’s love for me is unwavering and strong and eternal.
And so is mine for her.
