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Mowing the Freaking Lawn
Mowing the Freaking Lawn
Well sir, those who have been reading this blog for a couple of years, (here at wonderful MyBloggers and at the other blog site whose name we dare not mention), know that I am not the most mechanically inclined of individuals. Nor am I, at times, the most patient of persons.
Those loyal readers also know that I own a zero-turn radius, hydrostatic, John Deere lawnmower. (I wrote a post dealing with this machine about two years ago.)
I love my lawn mower. Mary bought it at a moving sale from a guy who ran a landscaping business out of his home. She got it for a song. It cuts the lawn fast. (We have a large lawn.) The mower deck is 42 inches across, and it only takes me about an hour to mow grass with it…when the freaking thing is working right.
The main problem with the mower is the belts. It has a small driver belt that runs from a pulley extending from under the engine to a master pulley on the mower deck. This belt is about 18 inches in length.
The mower deck has three blades on it, and one long belt winds around the deck, spinning seven separate pulleys to rotate the blades. This belt is taller than I am. It must be at least six and a half feet long. And it takes a little bit more than a teaspoonful of brains to figure out the serpentine pattern needed to make sure the freaking blades all spin in the same and correct direction.
I’ve had trouble with these belts in the past. They are hard to replace because you have to get under the machine to do so, and the clearance there is about …well…half an inch. (Well, that what it SEEMS like!)
Having a bunch of horses on the property dramatically cuts down on my need to mow. We simply close the gate at the bottom of the driveway, open the pasture gates, and allow the equines to come out and feast upon the much-coveted grass, which, of course, is always greener on the other side of the pasture fence.
Using these organic lawn mowers, I only had to cut the grass with the gasoline-powered machine three times last year.
Well, anyway, I mowed the lawn on Saturday. The lawnmower started right up and purred like a kitten. I back it out of the storage barn and began making my rounds in the front yard in the scorching sun and the blistering heat. (It was nearly 95 degrees on Saturday…sorry, Mellowdee, I don’t know what that translates to in Celsius. Just know that it was really freaking HOT!)
I only made two passes around the lawn when I heard the old, familiar sound of free-spinning pulleys. This meant that the machine threw the mower deck belt, and the cutting blades stopped rotating. I shut the engine off, got down on the ground on my back and looked under the machine. Sure as hell, the big belt was off the pulleys, and it was laying on top of the mower deck like a thin, black snake.
After about ten minutes of twisting the belt, getting my fingers jammed between rubber and metal, accidentally resting my shoulder up against a pretty much white hot carburetor, (I was wearing a tank top), and then finally getting everything back in its proper place, I hopped back into the seat, cranked the engine over, and, much to my delight, engaged the blades and listened to them whirling about at top speed.
I proceeded with my lawn mowing chore for about another half hour. Then, as I was mowing the back yard, which, for all intents and purposes, is a jungle, I hit a rock in the tall grass. An ear-splitting grinding sound announced to the entire neighborhood that I had smashed into said rock. Sparks shot out from the mower deck, and then, once again, I heard the old, familiar sound of free-spinning pulleys.
I shut the engine off, got down on my back, and peered under the machine. Much to my dismay, the mower deck belt was not only off, but it was laying there on the mower deck in three pieces.
Shit.
I gathered up the pieces of expensive belt, burned my shoulder once again on the hot carburetor, and headed back to the storage barn where I had an extra set of belts for the machine.
Twenty minutes later, everything was in place, and I went back to mowing. After one pass around the yard, I noticed that the grass was no longer being cut. So I shut the engine off, laid down on my back once again, burned my shoulder yet again on the carburetor, and realized that I had screwed up the belt pattern. The cutting blades were spinning backwards.
After another twenty minutes, the situation was righted, and I was off on my merry way, mindlessly cutting vegetation down to size…
for about ten minutes.
Then, I heard the old, familiar sound of free-spinning pulleys one more time! You’ve GOT to be kidding me!
So, barely keeping my temper in check, I shut the frigging engine off, got down on my back once again, burned my shoulder on the goddamned carburetor yet again, and peered under the mower.
Much to my surprise, the long mower deck belt was right where it was supposed to be. This time, the shorter driver belt that ran from the engine to the mower deck was lying there on the grass in two pieces.
It was my own fault. I knew from past experience that when one belt goes, it produces excessive stress on the second belt, causing that belt to weaken and break shortly afterward. (By the way, these problems are not the fault of John Deere. I know that, at the beginning of every mowing season, the belts are supposed to be changed…but who the heck ever does preventative maintenance??!!)
Now, replacing the driver belt is a bit more difficult than replacing the mower deck belt, and it calls for the use of a socket wrench.
So off to the garage I went to get my beautiful, fully stocked tool chest that my son gave me two Christmases ago. This thing’s got everything in it! Hammers, saws, pliers, wrenches, and a couple of metal things that I haven’t got a clue to their function or their application.
Anyway, I lugged the chest out to the lawn mower and selected the correct ratchet wrench and a ½" socket. It was at this point that I realized I was wearing my good, Seiko watch that my wife had given me for my birthday. So I removed the watch and placed in the grass a safe distance away from my designated work area. Then, I went to work removing the proper screws under the engine of the machine. Next, I attempted to put in the new driver belt. After about ten minutes of struggling with it, I realized that I had to take the mower deck belt off to relieve the tension on the master pulley. I did so, pinching my fingers and burning my shoulder YET AGAIN! Then, I put the driver belt in place and tightened all of the proper screws under the engine. When that was completed, it took me about twenty minutes to put the mower deck belt back on.
By this time, I was sweating so profusely that my glasses kept sliding off my nose. I was filthy, covered with grease up to my elbows. The third degree burns on my shoulder were killing me. My arms and shoulders were sunburned, and my fingers were bleeding. But now, the maintenance work was complete.
I wearily climbed back into the seat of the lawn mower, started the engine and listened to the blades begin to whir and cut the grass below me. I put the machine in reverse, and promptly ran over my opened tool box. Reacting swiftly, I shoved the engine into a forward gear to prevent the engaged blades from slicing into the tool box,…and I promptly ran over my watch.
Fortunately, neither the tool chest nor the watch was damaged. But I had had it.
I drove the lawn mower in the storage barn, parked it, got off of it, kicked it, trudged to the house, cracked open a Corona, dropped a lime into the bottle, went out to the porch, sat in the glider chair, and watched the freaking sun move across the sky.
I finished mowing the lawn on Sunday.
posted on June 9, 2008 6:13 AM ()
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Maybe it's worth it to just pay a neighbour kid to mow the lawn for you for the rest of the summer, while you supervise from the comfort of your glider chair, Corona in hand. 
I hope your shoulder/arm is healing up nicely! 
And btw, I looked up 95'F, and it translates to 35'C, a.k.a. Freakin' Hot! 
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