Okay.
I guess I’m just going to step right up here and show my age.
Ready?
Here goes.
(Ahem!)
I don’t like it when women talk to me or in front of me about breast feeding.
There! I said it, I’m glad I said, and I’ll say it again, if you want me to.
I don’t like it when women talk to me or in front of me about breast feeding.
I just don’t.
Is that okay with you?
If so, thank you. If not, oh well, …
Do I have a problem with breast feeding?
Nope!
I appreciate it. I understand that it is healthier for the child than bottle feeding, and it also establishes a stronger bond between parent and child than bottle feeding.
In my play, Blessed Event, I had my main character talk about and support breast feeding in public, as long as it is done discretely.
(I must admit, there have been times, even recently, when I have been with a friend of mine and her newborn, when suddenly, she just stops everything, whips out her breast, and begins breast feeding . . . right in front of me! (I remember thinking through my shock and awe: Holy shit! I just came face to face with Julie’s naked nipple!!!!! Not SIX FREAKING INCHES FROM MY NOSE! How am I EVER going to look her in the eyes again without feeling like a pervert?)
Dogs do it. Whales do it. Monkeys do it. Humans do it.
The thing is, all mammals do it, because they are freaking mammals, and that is what mammal do! That’s what mammal means!
But why the hell do human breast-feeders have to spend so much damned time talking about it?
I don’t mind them talking about it amongst themselves, but personally, I really don’t want to hear it! I’ll be honest; it embarrasses me a little.
Is it a badge of honor or something to talk about about the trials and tribulations of breast feeding? To some women, I really think it is. I had a friend of mine tell me once that she brings up the topic of breast feeding in front of men because “I can do it, and they can’t”
When she said that, I thought, Yeah? So? You’re a freaking woman. You have breasts. So USE them!
Simple as that!
Seriously!
I didn’t want to break this girl’s heart, but, do you know somehing? Men DON’T WANT to be able to breast feed!
I am pretty sure that there is no item on any male’s bucket list anywhere in the world that says anything even close to “Breast feed.”
Trust me on this one.
You can take it to the bank.
We’re not jealous or envious.
Not in the least.
Just like, conversely, there is no such thing as penis envy.
Look. I’m a man, and, because of that happy fact, I have a penis, but I don’t talk about how it hurts sometimes, or the discharges that sometimes take place, or other not-so-pleasant details of having that organ! I don’t talk about it with other men, and I certainly would NEVER EVEN CONSIDER bringing it up in conversation with what is now archaically referred to as “mixed company.” (Unless, of course, I’m speaking about it to my doctor, who just happens to be a woman.)
 
Again, I have no problem with breast feeding.
None.
I think it is a really good thing.
I think taking a crap at least once a day is a really good thing too, but I’m not going to talk to about in the middle of a meal at the pub!
One woman once told me that my feelings on the subject were just plain stupid and ignorant because “breast feeding is simply a natural bodily function.”
I agreed with her; breast-feeding is a normal, natural bodily function!
No argument!
So is vomiting, taking a leak, taking a crap, farting, and belching…but do they REALLY need to be discussed in public? Also, I do ALL of those things, but I’m not proud of them or jealous of others who do them longer or louder or whatever-er. They are just things that need to be done.
Simple as that.
And, if I feel uneasy talking about breast feeding or breast pumps, or “drying up” or having too much milk, or becoming a wet nurse, isn’t that all right?
No?
Okay then. Let’s talk about the color of the diarrhea I had last night.
What do you say?