Jim

Profile

Username:
hayduke
Name:
Jim
Location:
Lindstrom, MN
Birthday:
04/04
Status:
Married

Stats

Post Reads:
105,414
Posts:
402
Last Online:
> 30 days ago
View All »

My Friends

12 days ago
24 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago

Subscribe

Cranky Swamp Yankee

Life & Events > Relationships > Changes, Part 2
 

Changes, Part 2


(Continued from previous post.)

I went to a psychologist to help me with anger management, but it wasn’t he who changed me. Another person cannot change you. Only you can change you.

I changed because I decided I was going to change, because I knew Mary was too good of a person to be hurt by the likes of me, because I didn’t want to die all alone, without friends or anybody who gave a damn about me, because I didn’t LIKE being a mean and hurtful man.

There were no excuses for my past actions.

None.

Was I an abused child? Yes.

Was I a victim of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? Absolutely!

Did I suffer through a bad first marriage? Yes. I did.

Did my father reject me because I wasn’t the super-jock son that he wanted, while my younger brother was Mr. Joe Athlete and the apple of my father’s eye? Yes.

All of these were true, and NOT ONE OF THEM was a good excuse for my bad behavior and my explosive temper.

Not one.

Absolutely not.

To my way of thinking, there is no excuse for bad behavior and mean temper in anybody. Nobody on the planet has had a perfect life. Therefore, there ARE no excuses.

There are some people who would like us all to believe that they are victims – of their parents, of poverty, of society, of life itself. If that is the case, then we are ALL victims.

If this is so, then we can ALL live our lives blaming others for our misery. Then, we will never progress, and we will wallow in our self-pity until the day we all die.

Well, I realized that all the self-pity in the world would not change what happened to me a child. It wouldn’t change my OCD. And it damned sure wouldn’t change my mother.

I had to come to the understanding that I was not responsible for what others did to me in the past.

I also had to come to know that only I was responsible for how I dealt with those incidents, and only I was responsible for how I treated myself and how I treated others.

I used to say that I couldn’t help myself. That my hair-trigger temper would just suddenly explode. I had no warning when it would occur, and I had no control over it.

That, of course, was not the case.

When I said that to my shrink, Dr. Jerry, he told me that that was bullshit. (That’s the word he used – "BULLSHIT.") Then he gave me these two scenarios to ponder:

Scene 1: I’m in a pub and standing at the bar with a full beer in front of me. Suddenly, somebody crashes into my back so hard that it sends me sprawling into the bar, and my beer goes flying. I gather myself up, turn around and find this little pipsqueak standing there looking at me. My hair trigger takes over, and I explode with a verbal barrage against this fellow that would melt glass. I can’t help it. My temper is uncontrollable.

 

Scene 2: I’m in a pub and standing at the bar with a full beer in front of me. Suddenly, somebody crashes into my back so hard that it sends me sprawling into the bar, and my beer goes flying. I gather myself up, turn around and find a big, burly Hell’s Angels biker standing behind me. Do I explode on him?…Probably not.

Why not? It’s the exact same chain of events as the first scene. The only thing that is different is the perpetrator.

I don’t blow my stack at the big, bad biker, and that proves that my temper is not uncontrollable. I just CHOSE not to control it sometimes.

There is no excuse for acting badly. None.

Is having a temper a learned activity?

Yes.

Is it a learned way of dealing with situations?

Yes.

Can it be changed?

Yes. But I had to want to change it.

 
It was then that I knew that I was the only one who responsible for my own actions, and I was the only one who could change me.

(STILL more to come!)

posted on June 26, 2008 8:47 AM ()

Comments:

Well, your post's about this are going to be of help to me personally. I drive a semi truck for a living. Normally a fairly even tempered guy I tend to get very angry and upset with stupid drivers that cut me off, stop abruptly, exit the freeway in front of me from the left lane etc. For a Christian, I have been known to unleash some very un-Christian behavior, both verbal and physical on the brain dead idiot that almost killed us both. Today, I got cut off and was about to launch when I had to smile as I imagined "a big burley Hell's Angel", just cut me off. Thanks Jim, I don't think I'll ever have another traffic "incedent" that I won't think of you.
comment by justmyopinion on July 3, 2008 3:10 PM ()
Change is always hard but anything worth having usually is
comment by firststarisee on July 3, 2008 11:52 AM ()
Jim, your words hit home. Point Spot ON! Stuff has happened to all of us, some worse than others. We've all been hurt. We all hurt, but only we are responsible with how we "chose" to respond, react and live. It's not an easy lesson to learn. Some, sadly never learn.

You've come a long way baby!
comment by shesaidwhat on June 30, 2008 9:40 AM ()
I'll wait for chapter III before commenting on how good this is.
comment by solitaire on June 28, 2008 7:34 AM ()
Making the choice to change, seeking help, embracing your power to change, and doing the hard psychological work, step by step, to do it has transformed your life. I am so proud of you. Keep blooming!
comment by marta on June 27, 2008 5:02 PM ()
Another person cannot change you. Only you can change you. That is the best sentence I've read in a long time.
comment by elfie33 on June 27, 2008 12:02 PM ()
I wish my girlfriend would "get it" like you did.... someday I hope.
comment by meranda on June 27, 2008 10:44 AM ()
Honestly, I know exactly what you're talking about. I got the #### beat out of me by a dude. Have I let it effect my relationships? Yes. Have I tried to let it effect them less, absoultely yes. We can't let our past and those who have done us wrong effect our whole lives. Why? Because life is too short to sweat the small #### like damn you put this thing in the dishwasher horziontal instead of vertical. The things that I think are important are bigger picture, like how does this person make me feel. Good or bad?
comment by spicybitch on June 26, 2008 1:47 PM ()
What I find funny--but not ha,ha--are the people who will put you down if you say you are happy with who you are--I have one blogger who doesn't believe I am a happy, positive human being--not that I find sad except that is his choice.
I belive change is an ongoing thing and if we don't we stagnate, become bitter and lash out at others yet never take the blame for it.
comment by greatmartin on June 26, 2008 1:05 PM ()
That's such a GREAT perspective with the two different scenarios! We always have the power of choice. Past experiences are not an excuse to lose control. I'm glad that you made the positive choice to change. I never would have known that you used to be this completely other person. You see to always be so happy with such a zest for life. Your story kind of makes me think of my ex boyfriend who constantly blamed his family for all his short-fallings in life. It was embarrassing. He had this real attitude that the world (or his parents) owed him something. Meanwhile, his brother who grew up in the same household learned to let things go, and managed to pursue a very successful and happy life. It just goes to show that you can't move forward if you're forever tied to past bitterness. The truth is, in many ways my ex probably had a far better childhood than I did... but I never once used my childhood as an excuse to act like a jerk.
comment by mellowdee on June 26, 2008 9:41 AM ()
omg you have no idea how much I need these posts of yours lately... you truly are an inspiration to me. I want to change. I need to change.

You are amazing...
comment by kristilyn3 on June 26, 2008 8:55 AM ()

Comment on this article   


402 articles found   [ Previous Article ]  [ Next Article ]  [ First ]  [ Last ]