What your nurse is really thinking:

1. Don't tell me you have abdominal pain as you eat Doritos in my triage booth.

2. If you come to the ER by ambulance, the first thing I will ask you is how you are getting home. No, we don't have people on staff to drive you home, and don't tell me you don't want to "bother" one of your family members at this hour. You had no problem bothering 911 for the back pain you've had for 3 months.

3. You don't get to pick your own IV site. This will irritate me and I will probably miss your IV on purpose and start your site in the place I wanted to initially to prove a point

4. "Butterfly" is not an IV size, this word signals me to put in a larger bore needle.

5. Nausea is not a reason to come to the ER. If you are not in severe pain, are not vomiting or pooping your pants in front of me, your butt goes back to the waiting room.

6. How can you have the worst migraine of your life, but be able to yell at me about the wait after you just put down a magazine you were reading?

7. Don't ever say things like, "I usually get 4 mg of Dilaudid".Requesting "your" med and dosage will prompt me to squirt out half of the med before I inject, then I lie about the dose.

8. If you are allergic to Tylenol, Toradol, and Motrin, I have already assumed you are a drug seeker.

9. If you came to the ER having a family doctor appointment that same day, I will make sure you are still in the department well past the time of your original appointment.

10. I don't care if you are neighbors with the GI specialist. Unless he drove you to the ER himself, you can't be that friendly.

11. Just because "my doctor sent me here", does not mean you get right back to a treatment room. This tells me you are a pain in the ass, and he's pawning you off.

12. The louder you moan/whine, the bigger size IV needle you get.

13. Foley catheters cure pseudo-seizures. They also cure
intoxicated persons.

14. If you are on more than 2 medicines at home, bring a list.Don't say, "you know, the little white pill". I am not a pharmacist.

15. RN is not synonymous with waiter/waitress.

16. Don't bitch about missing breakfast when I'm on the ninth hour of my shift and haven't peed yet.

17. What gives you the right to complain about your sore throat for a week while I have diarrhea from the antibiotics I've been taking for pneumonia?

18. Broken toes are not an emergency. We'll make you feel stupid by putting a little piece of tape down there and kicking you out.

19. I am currently inventing a trapdoor system in triage to be triggered when you say the word "toothache".

20. Cover you mouth when you cough/belch. This is just common courtesy. When you neglect to do this, I am tempted to bust butt out of your room, then close the door.

21. If you tell me you have chronic fatigue syndrome, know that I'm rolling my eyes and thinking you're a loser.

22. If you list Haldol, geodon, Xanax, and trazadone as allergies, don't tell me you have no psych history.

23. Never sign in with chest pain because you were too embarrassed to write "penile sores" or "foul smelling discharge". This will piss me off that I bumped you ahead of other people and I'll make your visit horrific.

24. Although you've been in the ER four times this week, you cannot list the ER doc as your family physician.

25. Do not talk to me while I'm trying to listen to your lungs.

26. Don't tell me you have no money for medicine while you have a carton of cigarettes in your purse (next to your cell phone), and each of your seven children are playing their own PSP's.