I just need to write. I have not replied to comments or messages here for a long while. There's been a lot going on for me and at the moment, I feel like it's important for me to let some of it out. I'm unsure if it means anything to anyone, but one thing I've been afraid of is some type of criticism for my feelings and how I've dealt with the situation(s) in my life. But I guess that's part of being an adult & life in general...

I've been pregnant three times this year. I know, it's only July. I've lost all of our babies to miscarriage and it's been so very difficult for me to go through. Stress I know didn't help things much but as far as we've been told, we will have viable and successful pregnancies and perhaps soon. That's awesome news that we're both thankful for.

But the grieving. No one seems to really understand. The number of days of the babies' lives were, to me means nothing, so when someone will say something rude like, "It was only 6 weeks old"...to me, that's a very long time. I loved the babies, no matter how old they were, no matter what was wrong with them, no matter if they were going to become a boy or a girl. I still loved them and I still cherished them and I still wanted to hold them, kiss them, hear their first cries, wish they'd sleep during a long night when I was exhausted...see them fill their daddy's heart with joy when he first laid eyes on them....hear their big brother talk his teenage babytalk to them....It all still means the world to me and it is something I ache for.

I know that there's a reason for this all happening. I do know that.

It's not a consulation though. At least not right now it's not.

One other thing people say this is insensitive is something like, "It was two months ago. Why aren't you over it?" I'm not "over it" because I never will be. Just because they're not physically here, it doesn't mean that I don't hold them in my heart.

I may grieve for years, I don't know.

I'm going through so many emotions about myself, about life....about all the crap I've had thrown at me and how I've handled it. How I've tried to give it all to God to handle for me, yet I seem to take it back somehow....how I don't understand why it's "okay" for certain people to be so horrible to me and I have to accept their actions because of who they are, even though to me, they are toxic & I don't want anything to do with them.......

I don't know....I feel lost some days more than others. I feel empty some days still.....I know that each day brings something new to it, something of a promise from God. I know that. I'm so tired of struggling against everything to see and know the goodneess in the day and in me.

I'm tired of feeling as if I'm fighting to prove myself. I feel like I've had to prove myself my entire life. My entire life!! Can't I just have the rest of my life filled with acceptance of who I am, who I truly am? Can't I have the people in my life actually see me as I am instead of what they think I am? I really think maybe 2 people know me that way. That's because they've wanted to.

Even still.......all these emotions, all this fear I have, that's destroying me....I keep praying to be set free from it all. I pray for strength, I pray for peace and happiness, for health, for a blessed marriage and for a blessed family.

I'm not asking for reprimands or anything, I just needed to write. To clear my mind a bit, empty my heart just a little, to weep more like a child, heartbroken over something important to her.

Thanks for reading if you did and thanks to everyone for understanding why I'm not up to commenting/messaging right now.