I think I'm in the middle of a breakdown. I've been physically sick off and on for a couple of months and this past 4-5 days, I barely have had a reprieve from it.

Gives me time for introspection and some "real" heart to heart talks with my confidante (hubby) & with myself. It's not been pretty, and I'm not looking forward to the future steps very much, but it all has to be done or I'll forever go through this cycle of being "okay" for any length of time; be it years or months, only to crash again.

I've carried a lot on my shoulders that wasn't mine to carry, because that's how I've been since I was a kid. To change this is going to be hugely difficult because there are people in my life who really are not going to enjoy me not picking up the burden or the blame. I have to be big enough and confident enough to stand up to them when this happens. I have to have the peace within myself that I deserve to have and know that finally, I AM worth it. I always have been.

As strong and as smart as I am, I wasn't enough in the area of approval. I'm not an approval "addict", but I seek it and long for it. Easily hurt because I wear my heart on my sleeve, not wanting to be involved in things that made me uneasy, but when felt "pushed" by family, I did so anyway. I look back and could blame my family (parents) I guess, but if I knew no different and maybe they didn't either, as I reflect about them, I didn't have a choice in the matter. Besides, blaming them is just passing the "blame" and isn't going to fix anything.

The bondage, it's been destructive for me and it is time it ends.

That sounds solid, doesn't it? I pray to God I indeed once and for all, do end it. I'm quite possibly halfway through my life (maybe not yet halfway, but close) and I am wanting to be able to enjoy it without feeling heavy laden and overwhelmed just so someone else can be "free".

Possibly none of this makes sense, but I felt strongly I needed to voice it "to the masses"... I have to start somewhere on this new path & although it's a tiny step....it is indeed a step.