It has been three months now since the death of my husband. I am traveling down an unfamiliar road that makes me uncomfortable since I seek his support but not so much in the way of making decisions about my life. I didn’t realize how much I needed him, and you do not realize the depth of your insecurity until they are gone. Could it be that it isn’t so much being insecure, but the fact you lean on them in your decision making. All of a sudden you don’t have to answer to anyone unless you have young kids but in my case they are grown up. It is just me, myself and I now and my dogs. Ah, my dogs, they are the ones that I have to answer to. They depend on me to walk them, feed them, and most of all love them.

It is still too fresh in my mind as I flash back to his last four days of his life. It is the last impression of seeing him alive. His last words and they weren’t the words I wanted to hear since he was fighting for his life. Just the way he died that tears me apart because the person you love is slipping away, and he is suffering. You can see the expression on his face you hear their words how they want to live and you can do a dam thing about it. You just wanted him to just die quietly in his sleep.

Now that he is gone, I lay awake in bed, and I think, do they know they are gone? This is where you truly want to know if there is a heaven or, where is their next journey to? His body isn’t here any longer since he was cremated but can your mind go to another dimension? Listening to the stories of those that had near death experience and you wonder if they are true or not? All your beliefs’ you now question. Some may be angry at God because their loved one died. God doesn’t want this to happen but this is life and all things must die. Our purpose was up here on earth and it was time to go home. I stop to think what his purpose was or, did I give him a purpose of living when I first met him as he was on the road to self destruction and would have died prematurely. I think he died prematurely now but this isn’t the case accordingly to God. He could have taken him then but he had different plans for him. I don’t know what they were and he has filled his obligations here on earth.

My husband died for his grandson. Not that we wanted it this way. It is a blessing he met his grandson. Justin is here for a purpose, and that is to fulfill his grandfather’s shoes. I look at him and see some traits of his grandfather of how he was when he was young. As the ole saying goes “A person dies to make room for a new soul to come in” When my son was born I saw my husband’s father in my son. He died to make room for my son.