LIFE BEYOND NAGGING

According to a study presented at the 2003 Society for Personality and Social Psychology conference in February, nagging can seriously lessen a couple's intimacy. "How we presents our 'beefs' determines whether or not our partner will be responsive," says Jamie Turndorf, PhD, a couples therapist. "The way out is what I call 'climate control,'" says Turndorf. "We need to learn how to properly communicate our needs, and it begins with calmly stating what was said or done and how you felt about it."

Another tactic is to take action, instead of getting on the soapbox. "Skip the nagging, and try taking action," says Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, a marriage and family therapist. "Skills like active listening allow couples to learn how to talk to each other in such a way that they are heard. Too often, when couples talk to each other about heated issues, they are too busy defending themselves to hear on a deep level what their spouses are saying and feeling. If they can learn the tools for fair fighting, then both spouses can be heard, and nagging isn't necessary."

When the urge to nag strikes, Weiner-Davis suggests focusing on the positive experiences you've had in the past with your partner, when something other than nagging elicited the response you were looking for. "Think about a time when you asked your partner to do something, and he did it, and then think about what you did differently that worked," she says. "Learn from that situation, and change future situations accordingly so you don't need to nag."

For the partners of people who nag, some of the responsibility for improving the lines of communication falls on them as well."Start out by doing what your spouse is asking to you to do — that might nip it in the bud," says Weiner-Davis. "Another alternative would be for the person who is getting nagged to avoid getting angry or nasty, which doesn't work well. Instead, have a heart-to-heart about what it feels like to be constantly hounded about something, but in a loving way, instead of a defending way."

"Bottom line: Good relationships are based on mutual care taking," says Weiner-Davis. "You really have to look out for your spouse — and that might mean doing something you're not really crazy about doing sometimes. And when you have to nag, that's a sign mutual care-taking is not happening." Whether it's finding new ways to communicate, or seeking help from a therapist, nagging can be avoided. "The key is finding alternative ways to reach your goals, and being more productive and more loving," says Weiner-Davis.
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WHEN YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT, PLEASE MAKE SURE HE TAKES HIS BAGS

Never quite looked at it like this before....
You got out of a bad relationship because it was bad, but you are still resentful, and angry (you let the devil leave his bags).

You got out of financial debt, but you still can't control the desire to spend on frivolous things (you let the devil leave his bags).

You got out of a bad habit or addiction, but you still long to try it just one more time (you let the devil leave his bags).

You said, I forgive you, but you can't seem to forget and have peace with that person (you let the devil leave his bags).

You told your unequally yoked mate that it was over, but you still continue to call (you let the devil leave his bags).

You got out of that horribly oppressive job, but you're still trying to sabotage the company after you've left (you let the devil leave his bags).

You cut off the affair with that married man/woman, but you still lust after him/her (you let the devil leave his bags).

You broke off your relationship with that hurtful, abusive person, but you are suspicious and distrusting of every new person you meet (you let the devil leave his bags).

You decided to let go of the past hurts from growing up in an unstable family environment, yet you believe you are unworthy of love from others and you refuse to get attached to anyone (you let the devil leave his bags).

WHEN YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT, PLEASE MAKE SURE HE TAKES HIS BAGS!!