I had a message on the phone the other day (Tuesday or Wednesday) from the drummer from my old band. It seems as if he and a couple of the other guys from my old band are giggin' tonight at my old watering hole, and I was invited to join in.
I didn't say anything to Da Man about it for quite awhile because he's all for it, me getting my band voice back on. He's quite excited to walk through the door of my coveted drunken band days, too. And me? Well, I don't know what's holding me back.
Okay. I do know what's holding me back: I'm not the chicka they all remember.
Granted, I still have the same naturally curly hair. And I still wear a size asif pants (like I'd slip up on that one here, eh. I would be much more likely to tell you Ma Da Man's real name. *wink*). The big difference is I have two babies. And shit's different, vastly different, than it used to be.
I had a list of excuses for not going. First was my hair because it is a frizzy friggin' mess in this heat and humidity. *I* couldn't go into that bar to sing in front of people with frizzy hair. Shit, back then they used to announce me as "the girl with the awesome voice and hair that will put her in the history books." No way could I take my frizzin' lookin'-like-a-poodle ass into that bar.
And then I had forgotten that mom had made a hair appointment for me this afternoon with a chicka who has naturally curly hair, and therefore knows how to use it. So that excuse is blown out the window. *Sigh*
And then there's this:
I usually always had a man with me when I gigged. First I was with beat-the-shit-out-of-me dickhead when I first started giggin'. And then there was Canadian Sperm Donor. But then...then there was no one except that guy that a lot of people didn't like who was a regular there and who would send me the secret code to follow him to his house after the show. Once there, I would wrap my legs around his Harley and we would ride and ride and ride, much like what we did when we returned to his home. Ha.
But the guy at the time of my life realized that I was one of the guys in the band. They were grandfathered in because I was already giggin' when I met them and shit was set. They knew I drank as much as I wanted in this particular bar because I drank for free. And the bartender has been known more than once to park my truck for me and then drive me home when I was rendered incapable of being a responsible human. And the guy in my life at the time also knew that when I stepped outside with the guitar player to "check the air in his tires" that I would come back in, all glassy-eyed and ready to friggin' rock and roll. They couldn't make me feel any way in particular because shit was set when they entered that part of my world.
But that part of my world ended when I became a mom. So Da Man doesn't know the rock n roll Daisy; they've never been introduced. He hasn't seen me walk into a bar and hug a lot of people, men and women. He hasn't known me to step outside to check the air in the tires of the guitar player. He hasn't known me. And he is really looking forward to this. In fact, the fact that I don't gig causes a lot of static between me and Da Man on a frequent basis. It happened just the other night when he was talking about catching himself smiling while at drill, cleaning a M-16; he missed it and was happy to be back. But, he said, "(I) wouldn't understand about something being in your blood."
I was quick with a retort to that one. "No, I do understand, Da Man. You catch yourself smiling because you're cleaning a weapon, and I catch myself smiling when a song comes on the radio that I used to sing. I DO understand." And I do.
But another thing is this: I miss my band life. I miss knowing that every weekend I was going to go to this place or that place and I was going to meet people and talk with them. I would dance with them. And I would sing to them. I miss walking through Wally World and having someone come up to me and say, "Hey! Aren't you that chick that sang the other night?" And it's not possible for me to have that kind of life right now. Maybe some time in the future, but not right now.
And I am more nervous now because I haven't done it in a while, but the main reason for my nervousness is that I am not the chick that these guys remember. I'm living a totally different life than what they were accustomed to me living. And it's like a huge cloud hanging over my head, knowing that they expect me to be one way and knowing that I will be another.
*sigh*
But I made the call this afternoon, telling the drummer that I would be there. I might be there on time because  I had to see how the girls were going to be with getting to bed, but I would be there.
And *I'll* be there.  I just hope that the old Daisy can meet this new maternal Daisy somewhere in the middle and they can jive. Because tonight, I'm giggin'.