I am writing this while sipping on a Pepsi. I usually drink coffee all day every day, but, due to a friend's post about coffee, I am drinking a Pepsi. And it's shortly after eleven at night, which means I will be up all night. Coffee has no effect on me anymore but Pepsi rocks my system.
And now that that's all said and done....
I have been going through this thing where I don't want to write because it's all blah. And I don't want to write just blah, but pain and frustration seem to be my muse. Seriously, I have hardly written anything that wasn't spurred by some sort of pain, not even during my song writing stint.
So prepare yourself for some blah. Consider yourself warned.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------There is something going on with me, and I don't know what it is. I don't know if I have ever felt like this before. And it could be nothing more than a good ole case of depression, I don't know, but whatever it is, it blows chunks.
I'm not myself. At all. And it's noticeable by everyone. I wish I had the answers to their prodding questions, but I don't. I truly do not know what is going on with me.
I'm detached from everything, and I do mean everything. I don't want to be bothered by anyone. I have fleeting moments of happiness, but they're few and far between. Maybe it is depression. I don't know....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I was watching a news clip tonight that was taken at Grace's preschool. I was at the end of it and fucking huge. Why the hell hasn't someone looked at me and told me that I am the size of a fucking heifer?!?!?!? When did I get so fucking fat? And it's a very noticeable fat, too, because my head looks as if it belongs on a skinny bitch's body. Yep, that's me, looking like a fucking cow with a shrunken head. I hate it.
A dude in the car beside me at the red light smiled at me today. I flashed him a devilish grin while thinking, "You wouldn't be smiling that pretty little smile if you realized I look as if I have eaten someone your size."
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I was driving up the street toward the house today when I happened to glance at the deck. There, for all the world to behold, was our inflated Santa. He is huge and lovely. But today he was stuck in a crosswind and was banging his head off of the house. For some reason this struck me as fucking hilarious and I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. Even Santa feels the urge to bang his head off the wall in this place.
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Well, now Mak is crying. And I'm playing the single mom role tonight because the neighbor is still in the hospital. The one time I want to babble...Oh well. There's always another day, eh.