Nothing can raise the spirit quite like a bowl of tapioca pudding.

Never step on a bug unless it happens to be right where your foot is descending.

Always go to the bathroom before leaving the house.

When in doubt, don’t.

Squirrel should be boiled for at least four hours, then basted with barbeque sauce and baked for another 90 minutes. Then thrown in the trash.

My mother claimed not to remember what she did with my baseball card collection. I suspect she sold them to pay for her false teeth, which is why they never fit right.

Nobody feels lonely eating spaghetti.

If some activity required me to shop for new clothes, I’d skip the activity.

Few things are more anathema than other people’s children and pets.

You know you’re old when all your doctors are younger than you.