Well, howdy Folks,
This har's  C. J. Bugsy  checkun' in.  It's been a coon's age since ah've been har; but ah been over ther in Rusha up in them ther Ural Mountins a'watchin' fer one a'them UFO thangs.  
Didn't spot nary a one after settun' out in the cold night after night.  Jest bout froze mah butt plum off.  Well, ah tell ya, no way wuz ah gonna' spend anuther winter hunkered down over thar with summuh  thu ugliest women ah ever saw. 
Ah jest duhcided tuh hightail it bac ov'r har fore winter set in agin. Sides, we gut an 'lecthun yar a'comin' up, an ah been a'figurin' sum uh them thar canidates is gonna' be needin' uh sharp advizer....ya kno whut ah mean....sumbudy whose really gut his ear to thu ground and can hear thu pulse uf thu people.
Can't really duhcide who needs me wers....ol' Rick frum Texus er one of them uthr Republuhcuns.  
I heared that ol" Rick has been a'talkin' bout abstinunce workin....I can say fer a fact thut he's knos whut he's a takin' bout....me be"in frum Texas 'n  all.  That thar boy wuz thu very best ah ever saw bout abstainin' frum goin' tuh class when he wuz down thaR at that there Ag School in Colluge Station.  Fer as ah could tell, that 's  bout thu only thang he abstained frum while he wuz thar.
Thar's a'nuther Texan runnin' too....mah good buddie, Ron Paul.  He's been round so long ah'm buhginnin' tuh thank he's old'r dirt.  Now, he's all up in arms bout that hurrycane bac east.
Didn't see thu need fer FEMA gittin' involved a'tall.  Be'in frum Korpus Kristi and all, mah good buddy has for shore seen his'n shar of them thangs.  He thanks those city folks jest shud'a rode it out on thar own. Heck, lack he said,  "We shud be more lak 1900 and 1940 when folks rode 'er out on thar own."  Come tuh thank uv it,  wuzn't 1900 thu yar thut 6,000 people died in Ron's home town?  Nah!  Shorly not!  Ah must be wrong bout that!
Ah, heck!  Texans are purty able tuh take care of themselves.  If they give ol' Rick any static, he'll jest secede.  Course ah don't raghtly kno how he's a gonna' secede frum hisself if'n he becumes Prez'dent, do you?
An mah buddy Ron, well he's jest a'kin bout everthang, so ah can't see much ah can do fer him, so maybe a'll jest mosey on up tuh Menneysota and check in thar with that Michelle Bachmann.
She's been a tryun' tuh figer out how tuh cure Gays and Lesbians.  Well, heck, ah got thu answr tuh that.  Jest make 'em spend ah winter in Russuh up thar in them mountains.  By thu time them people git bac, they'll be cured of anythang. And evn if they ain't,  I can gol darn garantee they ain'ta gonna' admit it.
Yes, sir re Bob, them thar gay people will be back in thar closets fast'r a possum can clim a tree.  An they won't be a cumin out no more!!
Now thut ah thank obout it, ah don't much thank I lak any of these here people very much.  Ah thank ah'll jest mosey on up to Cuzin Bugs house in Cowsnot an see if'n ah can't git her tuh run agin.
So long, buckaroos
C.J. Bugsy