Within every prison, are many smaller prisons. Within those smaller prisons, are the prisons of the mind.

Echoes of smell and unforgiving sound bounced through the halls of the ward. I prayed for it to find a resting place far away from me but it never did. I was on so much dope, I think they couldn't stand the fact that they couldn't drop me anymore. I could physically continue no matter what they gave me. My mind struggled to put words together, but my body would no longer crumble at their feet and they disliked that. I didn't know how to be a "good little mental patient" , and I hadn't yet learned how to win.

I was placed on CP ward. This was the "jail" ward. If one misbehaved on their ward they were sent to CP to get "straightened out". The ward was very small and broken into two parts, so if you acted out in the CP ward they still had one more area to send you. CP was located in the middle of the property and had its own chain link fence to keep the rebels from mingling with the controlled crowd. CP was a little different in the way that the nurses and staff there were apart from the rest of the hospital. I knew these nurses did not like giving me what was ordered. They knew it was too much, they new much more than I.
"I am not giving her any more medicine!"
"Neither am I"
I could here them talking, standing in a circle, looking nervous.
"We all agree?"
I saw them nodding their heads and was able to make eye contact with staffer BD, he immediately turned away. Oh no, what is going on?
Think, did I do something wrong. Think damn it! Shit man, I can feel the tension, and I could feel it was about me. Oh man, here comes the Dr., what did I do?
Oh no, shit, the Dr. looks pissed! Everyone else is standing with their arms crossed looking meek but somehow firm. The Dr. put down a chart and walked out.
They are still looking at me!....Oh man....I think I'm going to puke.

"Medication!" the nurse shouted. All the rebels herded themselves into a line and were handed two small cups. One with medication, and one with water. Unless you had to take a liquid too, I hated that,liquid Thorazine tastes like the sweat squeezed from a basketball players socks.
When it was my turn the nurse said "You won't be getting any medication, go strip your bed."
"What? Where am I going?"
"Medical Ward"

I asked nothing more and did as I was told(not being good, being scared). After stripping the bed I went to wait in the day-room. My mind was spinning, I was glad I did not have to take any medication but wondered what was wrong.

It wasn't until much later that I was told all the nurses took a stand and refused to medicate me. Although they did not care for my dosages it was my life they were concerned for. I had a dangerously low white blood cell count called Leukopenia. The Dr. didn't care, and likely would have killed me without intervention.

As soon as detoxification was complete I would begin taking medication again, just different ones. After many weeks in Medical my cells came back close to the normal range but leukopenia would hit me again, and again, in the future.