I stood in the doorway. I always stood in doorways.

"Dr. why do you hug Mary like that?"
Hmmhmm, "Come in Pecan, Mary we'll talk again tomorrow."

Mary's father was overly friendly, and I think the doc was too. I met a lot of "Marys" over the years...they all had the same look in their eyes, a look that said I'm broken but nobody supposed to know......I wondered when they got their cloudy eyes? Was it the first time their daddies hurt them, or the first time they blamed themselves. They all blamed themselves.....in the back of their minds. It was what drove their madness.


A transplant from Germany, the doctor's words were difficult to follow. I strained to hear every word he spoke as I was sure he purposfully thickened it to sneak important information passed me.

"Pecan, come in and take another test for me won't you?"

Why do I take so many tests, do you give them to everyone?

"Always questions with you, just take it please."

Picking up the three inch yellow pencil I checked off all the answers that best suited me.
The truth is, none of the answers ever suited me.
The questions asked always gave me more questions and without the answers to those.....

How difficult to force my pencil into action. To choose an answer I felt less than sure about. To commit to an answer without all the facts.....it was painful.

Finally done, I slid him the results.

"Tell me Pecan, what is it you think about day? The nurse tells me you sit and stare at nothing for hours at a time.....thinking."

I would like to go home, I said without looking at him. It wasn't what I thought about all day, but it was the truth.

"Home? Where.....you mean to NYF?"

Yes...if you'll discharge me I can hitch there. You will never see me again.

"I think we can get you an Interstate Transport voucher."

You mean, I can get a free bus ticket?

"No, we will fly you there, with an escort, of course."

What?? I have been here almost a year and your telling me this now? I can go back home? I can fly...for free?
Man, I could feel the warm light of the sun dancing across my face, and taste the sweetness of freedom already.
It was all to good to be true.

That's right, it was all to good to be true.

Man, shit just keeps happening.....