You'll need it for all this whine...

I'm not doing well.

I'm not doing well I'm not doing well I'm not doing well.

Please give me the strength to pull through this. Please let me see the light again. Please please please.

Last night after piling the food into my mouth, I asked DH a question, but prefaced it with "I know it's too soon to talk like this..." The question? "Are you still against adoption."

Of course he said it was too soon to discuss.

I'm TERRIFIED of becoming pregnant again and losing the baby again. Fucking terrified. And I told him this.

The fact that there's a chance I was put here on the earth to be an aunt, daughter, wife, friend, sister and NOT a mother absolutely repulses me. REPULSES ME.

RE-FUCKING-PULSES ME!

I realize I need to think positively. I realize my chances are fantastic that I'll get pregnant again and real soon. I realize that my chances are great that said second pregnancy will be a healthy one.

But there's no motherfucking guarantee of that is there? Is there?!

And I'm turning 36 in a couple weeks.

When the fuck is it going to be my turn? When do I get to give my everything to my child? When?

Soon, I know.

Good things come to those that wait.

Uh huh. Yeah. I've heard it all before and guess what? I'M FUCKING TIRED OF WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING.

I understand that I'm luckier than a lot of people out there that have to struggle on a daily basis just to take a breath. I get it. I realize I'm somewhat "fortunate" that I lost my baby only after four weeks of falling in love with it as opposed to 7 months or 7 years or whatnot.

But guess what?

I'M FUCKING TIRED OF THINKING OF OTHER PEOPLE AND FEELING BAD FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

I'm just so fucking tired of so much shit in this world.


But don't fret because I do still have hope and I won't give up completely. Because that's just not who I am.