I'm doing my best these days to keep things on the positive. I spent nearly a 1/4 of this year being ugly and I really would like to end the year being happier.

I'm trying. I really, really am.

But it's not always easy...

I found out over the weekend that my SIL is pregnant. My SIL who wrote racist comments over her Myspace after it was announced that Barack Obama would be our next president. My SIL who is married for the third time to my brother. My SIL who is mother to two other children from her two ex-husbands, neither of which has contact with their kids. My SIL who is technically step-mother to my nephew who has become a high school drop out hoodlum because his father - the man SIL is married to - won't have anything to do with him. My SIL who has told people that her stepson, my nephew, is a 'no-good druggie who will never amount to anything.'

Yes, my SIL is pregnant.

I reverted back to my ugly days, weeks, months when I heard the news. I cried for about a half hour. The tears just wouldn't stop flowing. My brother can't be a father to the one child he has, but he gets to have another child. Meanwhile, I'm still wondering if I'll ever be granted my wish of entering Momhood before I die.

I hate my selfish, ugly side. I hate it so much. I'm trying so hard these days to focus on the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. I'm trying so hard to stay positive about things. I really, really am. But some days it's just so hard.

I took a couple days to be mad and upset and frustrated and sad about the news. I'm still not happy about the situation, mainly because of my nephew, but the fact of the matter is that what's done is done and this is an innocent life we're talking about.

I congratulated the two of them on Monday. I truly wish them a healthy and happy pregnancy and a wonderfully easy delivery. And I pray to all that there is that they can really care for this child the way a child is meant to be cared for...

And now I *must* believe that my day will come very soon when I get to care for a child the way a child is meant to be cared for.