I need to jot this down so I can remember this. I feel like I'm losing my grasp on sanity. Emotions - and not great ones - are beginning to invade my normally positive mental attitude.

I'm sure it has everything to do with being birth control pill free now for three months. Fuck I hated this part of being off the pill.

The cramps are tenfold worse. And the sore boobs? FUCK.ME! Men just have no clue. And I'm guessing women with small boobies don't have this much pain either. Again, I'm just guessing.

I was woken up several times last night as a result of the pain my tits caused! So add lack of sleep on top of physical discomfort.

And then there are the emotions:

I cried last night during American Idol... when Chickizee (sp?) kicked ass and when, more specifically, he got really excited that the judges thought he kicked ass as much as he did. I cried. I fucking had tears in my eyes.

I don't know this person. I could care less if he wins or loses. Yet I cried because he was so ... happy.

I don't know. Ugh.

The cramps. The feeling that my insides are being ripped open and the feeling that those organs (or whatever) that are being ripped apart are ooozing down through my crotch. Yet every time I pee and every time I wipe, there's no proof of the torture my insides are going through.

Fuck!

And then there's the food. I had leftover Thai food for lunch. Chicken, broccoli, peanut sauce, rice...mmmm. Did I eat it? Fuck no. Instead I had half a bag (and I'm not talking those vending machine size bags either!) of potato chips and like a dozen Hershey kisses. Not even the unwrapping of each one of those little fuckers stopped me. And now? Now I feel like I could hurl.

I just can't smile today. No matter what I do. And I feel angry and sad and mad and upset and ... and I don't have a real reason. Other than my discomfort.



I'm going to give it one more month. One more month without the Pill and without seeking out drugs (prescribed, of course).

In the meantime, I'll continue to carry tissues around to block the tears and to block others from seeing the grimace on my face.