I try to sort through an average of one box of FIL's stuff every day. Today I sorted through a box that had been left in the hallway. It contained bills, statements, tax stuff, checkbooks, and little bits of paper with notes on them. Hubby wants me to keep these notes. There are a LOT of them!

I must admit that I haven't kept every single one. I skim over them to see if it's truly anything of interest or if it's just 'blah-blah'. FIL liked to take notes as he listened to the radio. It's kind of nice to have some kind of record of the things he was thinking about, or interested in. But it's not so nice to have bushels of itty-bitty bits of paper that you have to save.

I probably saved more stuff than I ought to have, like some of the bank statements from '94 and '95. I only saved them because there are references to a few investments that we are not sure if he's liquidated or not. The statements may help us determine if there is still more 'treasure' out there that we should be tracking down.

I'm not sure what to do with the checks. I don't want to risk them getting into the wrong hands. Once the weather gets damp again I may have a little burn session. It's too bad I don't have a wood stove. Not only could we burn sensitive papers, but FIL left lots of kindling and other firewood. Don't know what he'd planned on using it for but he has it nicely stacked behind the garage. I'm probably going to advertise it for free on Craigslist.

I'm really proud of the work I've gotten done! When I think of the enormity of the task and how far I've come, it makes me feel encouraged to keep going. I've tried to be sensitive to what Hubby would want to keep, and also respectful of FIL's memory, but not so much that there wouldn't be room for us to live here and make it our own.

Tomorrow some guys from church are going to come and tear up the rug in the family room. I don't have everything off of it but they said they can help me with that too. I've been stashing things I think we need to keep in uniform sized boxes. I plan on putting them under the bed in the master bedroom. The rest can go outside. Once I've gotten all the 'don't-wanters' outside, I'll have someone who deals with that kind of stuff come and haul it away.

I think I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel! I still have all the stuff under my daughter's bed to go through, as well as some stuff in the garage. Though I did got through a lot of that stuff previously, I think it needs another go-over.

There is no fast way to do this. It just takes time, and care. There have been many moments when I wanted to run away from it. Indeed, I did go back to Oregon for many months, but not so much for an escape as I had many loose ends to tie up there. It wasn't like I was off the hook. It was all here waiting for me when I got back!

For a variety of reasons, Hubby couldn't do what I have been able to do here. It was too overwhelming. Every scrap of paper triggered an emotion, guilt, sadness, inadequacy, lost opportunities, loss in general. I had some of it myself. Sometimes the emotion triggered would be anger toward my husband for not dealing with it himself.

I feel a little bit of anxiety, knowing that he's probably going to be upset at the shock of seeing it all gone. It's good that he's not here because I think there is a great possibility that he would thwart the process. Eventually he will be here, though, and I know he's going to have something to say about it. All I can say is "Oh well...".

The bottom line is this... we have to live. We all, (meaning me, hubby, and my teenage daughter) need to be in a house that is within normal range of appearance and function. It was OK to have chaos while it got sorted out, but to live that way permanently was not an option I wanted to consider. It was literally 'this mess or ME!' I choose ME. Hopefully hubby sees it that way also.