...and not in a good way. Today I got a call from the vice principle of my daughter's high school. It was about my daughter, but also about me. She's been absent a lot, mostly due to illness. One day was because she needed to spend the day catching up on homework.

She has allergies. They weren't all that active in Oregon because the rain washes stuff out of the air. That, or we didn't have a house full of must and dust. As you all know, I've been working very hard on resolving that issue, partly because I've suspected that it might be causing her to be sick.

When I got sick too, it was kind of a relief. It meant that maybe she's been sick because she caught a bug and not because I'm putting her in danger by living here! I wasn't sure if she could discern whether the sore throats she's been complaining of are caused by the post nasal drip of an allergy, or if she's coming down with something. Regardless of the cause, I usually let her stay home if she's not feeling up to snuff.

Well, these days it's a big deal if you let your kid miss too much school. The police can be called! He made sure I knew about that! The last thing I want is to call attention to our family or home situation. In spite of my progress there are still many things that are not right in our home, like inadequate cooking facilities, tiny fridge, leaky faucets, torn up flooring, etc. When we first got here I was worried that if DHS knew we were living the way we were living, they might take my daughter away! It's one reason I was so hesitant to let people in, even to help me.

For some reason this phone call has me quite rattled. Even hours later I still feel shaky, as if I was somehow in a life-threatening situation. It's like I was ten years old again, in trouble for breaking some rule that I barely even knew existed! I handled it in the most adult way I could muster while I was talking to him, but after I hung up the phone I did exactly what I would have done when I was ten. I cried.

I'm 53 years old! I've withstood my share of death and disaster! Though I am very sensitive by nature, life has given me many opportunities to develop resiliency. I'm baffled that a phone call from the vice principle still has the power to plunge me into such a state of emotional fragility.

My guess is that this very disapproving phone call triggered a long held, deep seated belief that I'm flawed, that I don't measure up, and if I don't measure up by now, I probably never will. On that note, I'm gonna go to bed.