I had a rough week.

It started out with a bout of mania which lasted 4 days -- slept 2 or 3 hours a night, racing thoughts, excessive irritability, thoughts of wanting to quit my job (thank god I didn't), and thinking I didn't need to take my medications. I didn't take all my med's (I take a total of 3 different psychiatric med's for my bipolar disorder), but finally on the 4th day began taking them as prescribed again. Then to make matters worse I was hit with a horrible depression. I have bipolar 1 which is a pretty nasty form of the disorder -- only 1% of the population bipolar's have it. It affects not only your own life but the lives of those around you -- family, friends, relationship, and work.

Thankfully I'm over the depression and am slowly returning to my old self again. This lack of control over myself is so scary! It's very hard to explain how this feels when you're going through mania -- sort of like a 4 day long excuse to do, say, think, and believe anything you want and not worry about the consequences. When I'm manic its like I can't do anything wrong -- my thoughts become so wrapped up in obsessive ways. I really find it hard to turn off my thoughts. Then the depression hits like a ton of bricks..bam! This doesn't always happen after a manic episode though. Usually I can cycle from mania to depression quite easily though, depends on what's happening to my brain chemistry.

I know I'm still rambling and probably not making a whole lot of sense. It takes me a while before my thoughts and actions return to "normal" again after this serious of an episode.

It also sucks because I suffer from fibromyalgia so on top of the depression from the bipolar, I was suffering from a lot of pain from the fibro, which in turn caused the depressive feelings to increase. At least I wasn't having any suicidal thoughts this time. I had thought about going into the hospital for a 24-hour volunteer admittance, but thankfully the depressive episode lifted after 6 days and I didn't have to. Psychiatric facilities (especially county ones) aren't exactly the safest or the pleasantest places to spend time in when you're not in your right mind. I feel safer at home, alone, with my dog. I need quiet and peace when I go through an episode like that -- have no interest in seeing or being around other people. I experience a lot of anxiety/panic and paranoia, so being around people only makes it worse. Work is difficult and that is why I almost quit but thankfully I stuck with it, waited for the mania and depression to leave, and allowed myself to just resettle again.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer but this is what my life is like sometimes, and I figure if I can't share it here and feel safe, I can't share it anywhere.

Next time I'll post something with a little more cheer :) I want to visit Holy Hill before the leaves are completely off the trees and take pictures. I also want to go to the Milwaukee Zoo -- a place that I just love!

Well, hope you are all well. Wish you all a wonderful weekend!