Nothing like a little comment about a young child being killed by a pit bull to get me into some hot water I wasn’t expecting, eh? Just when I let my guard down and thought of mybloggers as my escape….

Now I’m thinking of how many people I have stopped Julian from biting (although his teeth could never do the damage a dog’s could…at least not as quickly!) and can’t help but wonder if I could have allowed him to bite by saying that he was aggravated…that IS the only time he tries to bite people…

Nah…there’s probably paperwork involved and I fill out enough forms about Julian.

I can feel exhaustion slowly starting to creep in after a long and cold night of trick or treating with the kids and another sleepless night with Julian. Some loser was setting off firecrackers last night and I am sure I don’t have to tell you what kind of effect they had on my little guy. He wasn’t the only kid crying but he was, as far as I could tell, the only kid covering his ears and shouting, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP! STOP! STOP!” Up until that point, we had been doing alright. My parents (thankfully) came out with us and Julian was able to go to the door with his sisters and an adult, even saying “trick or treat!” just as we had rehearsed and signing “thank you” after he received his treat. It took him a long time to walk away from the houses, though, and I still haven’t figured out why. He seemed to get distracted…or rather unusually focused…on something that none of us could determine.

But obviously after the fire cracker incident, we had to start making our way back to the car. We let the girls trick or treat as we went, with my Mom and I taking turns carrying Julian, but I still felt really badly for my daughters. They were being such good sports and trying really hard not to be frustrated by their brother. That somehow makes it harder…

Next year I think I will split the kids up and send my girls with either my parents or their Dad and just take Julian myself. I hate this idea because I wouldn’t want to miss out on trick or treating with the girls. Maybe I’ll look into Halloween parties next year, instead. Although that probably wouldn’t work, either since those parties tend to be FULL of decorations and loud sounds.

Meh…enough about that.

All night, Julian woke up, crying and rocking back and forth and saying, “I don’t firecrackers! I don’t like firecrackers! Snap! Snap! Snap!”

I just said, “enough about that”.

Maybe I should talk about dogs again instead.

A lot of people asked Julian if it was his first time out. Nope. His fourth. He’s just really little for his age. They would usually look surprised (I’m used to this) and say, “well, have a good time little dragon/lizard/froggie/monster”. It made me laugh but just served to further confuse Julian. He was already fucked up about “being Barney” (I can’t tell you how many times he cried, “but I’m not Barney! I’m Julian!”) and having to be a dragon/lizard/froggie/monster only frustrated him more. He was having an identity crisis! Finally, after a few houses like this, Julian took matters into his own hands and when somebody called him a frog he said, rather assertively, “I NOT a frog. I a Julian.”

A lot of houses were dark which is likely why the walk seemed so long. The kids had to pass two or three houses before they got to one giving out candy. Sometimes you could see the blue glow of the TV and I just imagined someone sitting in a dark room, watching television and I couldn’t help but wonder why…My Dad went on a big rant about people turning their lights off and how much he used to love seeing the little guys in their costumes on Halloween and it was the one night a year when he missed living in town (they live WAY in the middle of nowhere and no longer get any trick or treaters) and he couldn’t understand why people didn’t just enjoy life and the joy of giving.

I think less kids go trick or treating. Seems that way, anyway, with the whole peanut and nut allergy epidemic and safety concerns, etc. more people send their children to Halloween parties instead. Which once again leads me to wonder if that is what would be best for next year but still begs the question…what would I do with Julian?

He already misses out on so much. And I guess that’s really why I feel like crying in front of this computer monitor…because last night we took a step out of the bubble we live in most days and into the big, bright world and whenever we do that, it serves as a reminder that this world was not built for my son. Or maybe my son wasn’t built for this world? Regardless, it is moments like these that threaten to rip my heart out of my chest, the pain feels that real.

It always makes me work that much harder for him…to advocate for him…to work with him and the people in our lives…and solidifies my belief that in my total acceptance of my son, I will be better able to prepare him for the world he lives in.

And of course, the tears prickling at my eyes right now are also sadness for him. That the whole wide world will never completely accept him. That his Dad doesn’t accept him.

It’s far easier for me to be angry with Troy…over not letting Julian wear pajamas or rubber boots in the summer or over his annoyance when Julian or I sign a word instead of saying it or his lack of communication with his own family that seems to go hand in hand with his lack of advocacy for his son to the same people…because anger can always disguise the sadness. The sadness of knowing that all of these things stem from Troy’s lack of acceptance of the child he helped to create.

It is easier to rip Troy a new asshole over and over again in my head than to admit the truth to myself and allow myself to cry.

This is my most depressing post ever.

I really should have just talked about dogs.