It’s amazing how quickly an outstanding victory can be metamorphosed into an agonizing defeat. When the school officials dragged me off into the bowels of the establishment I had no idea what was coming. I had never really been in any trouble before. Because I am and always have been a creature of routines it was easy for me to adapt to what adults wanted me to do and not slip up. I knew that I was supposed to be afraid of going to the principal’s office but fear was something that was well past me.

My school principal was a lump of a man in his late thirties with a huge bald spot in the back of his head that he insisted on trying to cover with a clump of long hair from the front of his head. This kind of made him look like a mob boss but he had cowardly eyes even back then.

I don’t know if you know this but the fine state of Pennsylvania even to this day allows corporal punishment in schools. Had I known that the principal of bumfuck nowhere elementary was going to whip my ass with a tool that I as an adult use a variation of on the asses of my adoring customers I would have been a lot more judicious in beating the hell out of the fat boy.

“Do you know why you’re here Mr. Teneyck?” His voice kind of sounded like nails on a chalkboard, high pitched, nasally, and scratchy.

I sighed through my fat lip and said “Because I defended myself.”

“You are here, Mr. Teneyck, because you beat the living daylights out of Mr. Murphy.”

Have I ever told you how much I hate when authority figures call everyone Mr. whatever?

“He hit me first.” I said.

“Then you should have told one of the teachers on the playground.”

“I couldn’t get up.”

“That’s not what Mrs. Baumgartner said, Mr. Teneyck.” The way he glared at me then reminded me an awful lot of the boy I had just knocked the shit out of.

“They didn’t see how it started.” I said calmly.

Looking back now, with hindsight being 20/20 I should have been using that time to apologize profusely and cross my little black heart that nothing like that was ever going to happen again. Hell, I might have even cried a little for effect, but I didn’t know then what I know now, I only knew that I wasn’t supposed to lie. However, you are supposed to lie, you are.

My ass hurt for a week.