Always I can feel the pull away from my species. Inside my mind, in the blackest corners therein I know that I will never be the same as the legion of slaves that inhabit this world. Once in awhile I am confronted with some kind of hope that there is someone out there who can take my place as this isolationist monster I have become. There is a sick strange darkness growing in me where, curbed and leashed internal monsters aside, I am nothing but a big black hole.

Holly reaches out into that void probing for me, I am not there. Constantly pushing myself into states of ravenous self evolution has maybe finally taken it’s toll and that thin veil of humanity within me has finally torn. Let’s face it, I probably already knew that it was going to happen at some point. A total emotional shutdown was inevitable from the start. I wish that I could understand a word that she was saying to me when she wasn’t screaming. I wish that I could cum without making her cry.

None of the blogging communities that reach out so desperately to touch the humanity in me that I wear as a disguise realize the things that I’ve done. There was a long period of time in my life where I did not ride the monster in here, it rode me. I constantly traded acts of absolute carnage and human breaking cruelty for the opportunity to be in control of myself, some of the time. I don’t feel any of the guilt for those deeds and given the right circumstances I would certainly do them again.

In the interest of self preservation this last couple of years I have been relatively exactly what society expects out of me and while I still revel in human agony all of the damage that I’ve inflicted has been strictly contractual. Nothing, absolutely nothing in this world beats a little bit of spontaneous suffering.

I’m sitting here right now, dripping with sweat after my run, feeling my heart race and the only thought running through my head is the hunger.

I wish I could care.