When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

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Paddy was shaving when he knocked the mirror off the shelf and it fell to the floor and it cracked across the middle. Paddy gazed in horror.

'Bejabbers, I've cut my throat,' he gasped.

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"Ah, good morning, Mrs. Murphy, and how is everything?"
"Sure and I'm having a great time of it between my husband and the fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out."

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Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.
Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.
'What's wrong with the nails?' he asked.
'Sure the heads are at the wrong end.'
'You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house!.

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Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not.
'A shure I'll give it a go,' he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman.
'I deliver bridges,' smiled Paddy!

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Finnegans wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan.

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Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

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Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and land in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn, "It's just as well we got out of that field."

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"Seamus, do you understand French?"
"I do if it's spoken in Irish!"

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O'Connell was staggering home with a small bottle in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

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An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" said the prison guard.
"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Scheissers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?"
"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German."

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The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"