Dear Windows,

Please stop being a whole big bag of douche.
I do not know what you were thinking when you created "Vista"
Were you doing crack? No? Come on you at least had to be doing some dope.
Vista is hateful creation. Let me lay down the story that led me to this conclusion.

I got a new shiny laptop, to replace the old beastly narly one. Let me explain the history of the old one.
The old laptop was a warrior, it did its time. It went through the trenches, through the downloads of crap, through a complete virus and crash, went through a reboot.... and finally
it went through half a cooler being split on it.

I thought it was done after the cooler, I was sure the poor thing would go up in flames or at least smoke. But no sir, she stayed with me. She turned on the very next day. The keys were sticky and made a loud crunching noise (similar to a earwig being crushed, similar to someone stuffing a whole bag of chips in their mouth) Some letters I could not even use. Needless to say this made MSN a very enjoyable experience. Writing papers was also very delightful, what once took me three hours took me six. My fingers were kick ass , my fingers were like Mr T. Pumped , ripped, and pity the foo.

I tired my best to clean her up, make her feel as though I didn't mean the rough abuse. But my attentions weren't well received, two keys while cleaning were so sticky that they ended up being completely torn off. She just wasn't the same after the booze hit her.

She had to be plugged in at all times, and if you moved her she would freak and shut down. Eventually she no longer realized she was plugged in, I had to jam pens, phones, shoes whatever I could find under the power cord t hat went in the computer. That was the only way she stay on.

Eventually she would just shut down randomly, her hate for me grew each day. My disliking to her grew each day. Till one day I set her in the corner and forgotten her. I lusted after newer, laptops,
skinner ones than she.

She knew it was coming, she tried her best to be nice to me. The odd time that I did go to her, she would turn on instantly. She lit up, all excited to see me again.

Then I got my new shiny laptop. Thinner, Sexier, and fast. Not to mention it was purple. My favorite color. How could I go wrong?

It was beautiful at first, the love was shared. Until I opened up word the first time. It wanted a code, and then an authentication code. WTF is that shit?

I apparently I did not have the right code. Windows nicely informed me this in big bold red angry letters. Many calls were made first to dell who said
"Not our problem call windows"

Called windows who said
"did you try the code again"

UMMMMMM NO. I thought I would try it just once for shit and giggles !!!!!!!
OF COURSE I TRIED it ... TEN TIMES YOU big EFFING @))!*(@(#*(#*

So, apparently you are given only so many times to try this 'code' thing out.
Frustrated, angry and lonely without word, I resorted to cheat.

I went and G'd that shit up. I found a code. The world was bright again and I fell in love with my laptop all over again.

The code worked for a little while....... and during that time I had to write a paper. I went to spell check it. Word of advice (HAHAH sorry for the pun BHAHHA) Dont spell check, learn to EFFING SPELL. I looked for spell check where it is at normally. NOPE. *Insert grinding of teeth* I clicked EVERY FRIGGIN THING !!! Sub folders, buttons, Tools, the screen, you imagine it I most likely clicked it. I SWEAR to god that it took me TEN minutes to find the PRINT. And another TEN to find the spell check and good TWENTY to find the language tool. This as Microsoft claims, is easier and pretty. Yeah.... I just love LOOKING FOR all the tools that are hidden in buttons and sub folders and UP YOUR ARSE. Im not joking there is (if you look really hard, and its in tiny print) "Up Microsoft's ass " tool you can click on. And no you cant shove a shoe up there, I checked to see if there was that function.

But I did not realize that the code was a hack, and after several uses of Word it blocked me out. In the middle of opening of a writing I needed it decide seize up and die. I Just been Cock Block by Vista ... Well more word block.
LOOOOVEEELY. What on earth Am I to write with now? Pen and paper ... Ummmm that is so old skool.

I downloaded open office because apparently it is "great, just like Microsoft word", "like its almost the exactly same" ITS NOT.
Open office is gay. Its like eating a shit muffin when you wanted cake. Its crap. Complete utter crap.

I was beginning to despair. Will I ever get a word on here?

I finally found the answer.

Microsoft word 97 OOooooh Yeah.

I am that cool. (Vanilla Ice be proud)

But it was late, and so I left my laptop to think about its bad behavior. It got a time out. I went to bed and did my daily school thing.

When I was finally back and in good cheer with the prospects of having a word of some sort, I went to download it.

The black screen was before me. Apparently it was not shut down properly. *Insert eye twitch here* I got to make a choice though !!! OOOOH GOODY !!! I GET TO CHOOSE whether or not to start in SAFE MODE. What the hell is safe mode????? And then there is some other mode. The countdown was displayed in big white letters, I had to make my choice and fast. Sweat broke out on my forehead. I t thought of what would MacGyver do in this situation. I closed my eyes and clicked on one of the choices.

Once loaded up I got my Microsoft word installed. The moment of truth was here, the hairs on my arms were standing on end as I grazed the mouse pointer to the Microsoft word shortcut. I got this far, I couldn't stop now. There was no turning back. A quick double click was made. A sigh escaped me.

And then.........

The whole screen turned black. My heart stopped, my hand griped the mouse in fear, my pupils were huge. I began to have a seizure and began emergency plan A-129.
The last resort.
I Scrambled to the key board in flurry so fast that Jet Li would be proud to call me grasshopper, smashed on it and pressed the ALMIGHTY
ALT CONTROL DEL
Now if you remember back to a time before shitvista, if the screen turned to black or blue your pretty much hosed.
After a few minutes of executing the emergency plan I realized nothing was happening. I tore my hand off the mouse, the seizures stopped and I started to breathe again. There in front of me was this cute little box

I read the little box

It stated
"notice some programs can be harmful to your computer"
Do you allow this program Microsoft Word 97 to run?

WTF ????

DO I WANT TO ALLOW THIS PROGRAM TO RUN????

*insert scream here and bunch of incomprehensible curse words*
NO I only been trying to get a working word document for TWO EFFING MONTHS... of course I wouldn't want this program to run .. that just be silly of me !

After I broke my mouse from the death click, I was able to get Microsoft word 97 installed and working.

Moral of story
Microsoft Vista was created by a bunch of guys in Khakis..... (Like the HELL you can trust a bunch of guys in Khakis)