A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Sixty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

And finally...

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer